Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: This question is actually more common than you may think. When couples are in crisis or are in talks about taking a break, splitting up, or divorcing, emotions can run high and doubt can creep in. Affection, attraction, and love can still be smoldering under the surface even if a couple is experiencing hard times. This is all understandable, but sex amongst couples who divorcing or splitting up can be very difficult and can be confusing for both parties.

In these situations, it’s very common that one person (in this case the husband) wants to split up while the wife wants to save the marriage. Therefore, still being intimate with someone with one foot out the door can be heart-wrenching and can send very mixed signals. On the one hand, the husband is telling the wife he wants to end the relationship. On the other, his wanting sex and intimacy is saying something else entirely – that he is attracted to and wants to be close to her. This article will discuss what to think about and do when your husband wants a divorce but is still trying or wanting to be intimate through sex or intercourse.

What To Consider Or Do When You’re Divorcing And Your Husband Still Wants To Be Intimate?: First, you need to define how you are feeling about this divorce. If you deep down want to save your marriage or are still in love with your husband, it may seem that having sex with him is a way to bring him closer to you. This makes sense, certainly. Admittedly, it is a good sign that your husband is still finding you attractive and desirable. However, it’s not fair to either of you for these mixed signals to take place. If he is truly going to go through with the divorce, then it’s not at all fair for him to play with and take advantage of your emotions.

Ask your husband if his wanting to be intimate stems from his inability to let go or if it is possible there is still love, affection, and desire that he is attempting to return. Does he think the relationship that can be saved because if he doesn’t (or is not at least open to explore this), it is hurtful to expect you to be intimate with him and then just turn and walk away – unless that is what you both want. (It actually would have broken my heart during my own separation.)

Sex Versus Intimacy. Letting Go Versus Trying To See If The Spark Is Still There: It can also sometimes be important to understand the context in which the request for sex took place. Sometimes, it comes under the context of “one more for old times sake,” as a way to let go. Sometimes, it is an attempt to see if any spark remains. Sometimes, it is just a man’s way of getting something for free.

It’s important that you evaluate the situation and understand what is going on here. This will differ depending on the couple, the people, and the circumstances involved. Of course, how to move forward is always going to be your choice. But understand that in healthy relationships, intimacy should be something shared between two consenting adults with clear intentions. If you both understand what the sex means and are fine with it, then there may not be a problem as long as you are both comfortable and clear. This is rarely the case though.

More often than not, the wife feels compelled to allow the sex as a way to try to hold on to the marriage and the husband’s intentions may be different. Or, the husband is not sure whether he really wants to divorce and is trying to see if the passion is still there. Speak up and ask what’s really going on, especially if the sex makes you uncomfortable, unsure, or if you feel that it takes your power away. Your husband can’t respect you if you don’t.

Initiate an honest conversation with your husband and tell him that you still love him and want to be intimate and are happy that he still finds you attractive. However, reiterate that it’s confusing to ask this of you when you are going to divorce. Ask him if the intimate feelings that are coming out mean that there is still a spark and whether he would be willing to work on the marriage. Sometimes, his wanting to have sex can be a good sign, as it shows he still has intimate feelings toward you.

However, true intimate give-and-take is difficult in this situation with a divorce hanging over your head. Rather than just giving in and giving your power away (and then feeling resentful), use this as a starting point for an open conversation about how you both feel about saving or ending your marriage.

This situation never came up for me when my husband and I were separated.  He was pretty uninterested initially.  As we began to connect again, we waited for intimacy, and for me, it was wise to wait.  Our reconciliation was very hard-fought and I was paranoid to do anything to jinx it. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com