Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane:  It can be an awful feeling when you know your husband is thinking about a divorce, and it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it.

A wife in this situation might say: “My husband admitted to me last night that he’s been thinking about a divorce a lot lately. This doesn’t completely surprise me. We’ve been having some problems for a while. But they are not problems that I would think should mean the end of a marriage. The economy has caused a lot of issues and stress for us. We’ve become a bit disconnected. And, I suspect that he’s been confiding too much in a female coworker who’s now encouraging him to divorce me. This breaks my heart. I just keep remembering the wonderful relationship that we used to have. And I know that this isn’t over for me. But, I don’t know what to do. If he wants a divorce, does this mean that it’s over and I just have to give him one? Is there anything that I can do to change his mind or to improve things?” There were many questions and issues brought up here. In the following article, I will try to address them.

Don’t Focus All Of Your Attention On What He’s Thinking. Focus On The Actions That  Take Instead: It’s not uncommon to see wives in this situation become almost obsessed with their husband’s thought process at this time. They want to know exactly what he’s thinking, why he is thinking this way, and what, exactly it’s going to take to change his mind. I know this because, when I was in this same situation, this is exactly what I did.

But, here’s the problem with that strategy. What man do you know that is willing (and much less able) to share his thought process with you? More than this, men often see right through this strategy and will either guard their thoughts like a crown jewel or resent that you even asked. Sometimes, they’ll even assume that you’re only trying to know what they are thinking so that you can argue with them, try to prove them wrong, or thwart their need to be truly happy.

This is probably not the stance you want to take, nor is it the situation that you want to find yourself in. And, the real risk that I find with focusing so much on his thoughts is that many times, this becomes your sole focus and then you dwell only upon the negative and the fear that it brings you. Often, his thoughts about the divorce become your thoughts and this whole thing becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

What’s even worse than that, though, is allowing for the fears and the hyper focus on the negative to keep you from taking the action that might help you to fix some of the issues and to avoid the divorce ever moving forward in the first place.

What you often need (instead of trying or hoping to read his mind) is a plan to change his mind. You can’t read, demand, or control his thoughts. But, if you play your cards right, you might be able to influence them and give them a gentle nudge in the direction you want them to go. In my opinion and experience, this should be your focus on instead.

Encouraging Him To Change His Perceptions About A Divorce Without Making It Too Obvious: This wife was in a situation where she knew some of the issues that were clouding her husband’s perceptions. Therefore, she really did know where to start, even if she feared that she didn’t. To me, the best place to start was the disconnect that they were experiencing. And, debating with her husband or trying to show him where he was wrong was only going to make him feel more disconnected from her.

In my observation, the best strategy is often strategically placing your cards on the table.

Rather than dancing around or being negative about the issues, she could spin them and jump on his side. She could tell him that while it’s not a secret that his thinking about a divorce was extremely distressing to her, she absolutely agreed that the marriage needed some drastic improvements and that she too, was tired of not being as happy as they both should be. She should stress that she wants for them to be happy and for them to maintain positive interactions going forward since her relationship with him (in whatever form this took) was too important to act in a way that was going to deteriorate it.

Depending on the husband’s reaction, she could offer to give him some space. She could offer to stay with family or friends while he sorts things out. (This keeps him from leaving and from potentially not coming back or moving forward with the divorce.) If he did insist on leaving, she could ask that he commit to not file for divorce for a certain period of time. Whether he agreed to this or not, the plan should be the same – which should be to begin to change his perceptions about her and about the marriage.

Focus On The Things That Have Brought About Positive Perceptions In The Past: Always remember the things your husband found attractive and appealing about you in the past. The truth is that a scared, desperate, and overly emotional woman is not considered to be all that appealing to most men. Desperation brings about guilt feelings that they want to escape. Even if you don’t at all feel that you are, always try to appear positive, empathetic, confident, and that you are coping in a surprisingly positive way. Go out with friends or do whatever it takes to put a genuine smile on your face when you interact with him. Sometimes this newfound control will make him pause and he’ll want to dig a little deeper to see what brought about this change.

And this is usually going to be where your opportunity is. At some point in time, this husband and wife were going to need to address their financial and intimacy issues. However, the early stages were, in my opinion, not the time to do this. The husband was likely not going to be receptive until he began to feel connected to his wife again.