Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re tired. Maybe even heartbroken about your marriage. And both of these things can give way to hopelessness. I get it.

When your marriage feels like it’s falling apart, walking away can seem so much easier and more logical than fighting for something that feels so broken. Especially if you have people (or yourself) telling you that you are a fool for hanging on. You might be wondering if it’s even worth it anymore.

You might be thinking, “I’m the only one trying.” Or worse: “It’s too late anyway.” “He’s already gone.”

But let me tell you something you might not believe right now: Hopeless doesn’t mean helpless. Hopelessness is a feeling. Helpless is a choice. Make the choice NOT to be helpless.

Your marriage is not over right now. You have not decided that it is. And you get to make that decision. If you haven’t, then it isn’t yet over — until you decide it is.

If even a tiny part of you still wants to save your marriage, then, by definition, there’s still hope. You just might need a different way of looking at it. You might need to approach this step by step. Here are some tips on how to start putting the pieces of your marriage back together — even when it feels impossible:

Shift from Distance And Fighting to Reconnect: It may not feel like it, but right now, it doesn’t matter one ounce who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s about reconnecting, rebuilding intimacy, rebuilding trust, and emotional safety — even if you’re the only one reaching out at first. And yes, I know full well that it can be humbling to be the one reaching out first. It feels vulnerable. It feels rotten. But if you want to save your marriage, you should do it anyway. It’s a small sacrifice with the possibility of a big reward.

And there are tiny, easy, baby-step ways to reconnect that give you a smaller chance of rejection. Small moments of connection like a kind tone, a smile, or a simple “thank you” can begin to soften the walls between you – just a bit. And sure, this is only step one, but you have to start somewhere.

2. Give Your Emotions (And Your Husband’s) A Little Space: One thing that makes this situation so difficult is that the situation can feel immediate. You don’t want a divorce. You don’t want a separation. You don’t want to lose the man you love. And you’re hurting. Your husband probably is too — even if he doesn’t show it.

But pushing harder right now can sometimes cause more damage.

Instead, allow space for both of you to breathe, think, and feel without more conflict piling up. Take some time to work on, pamper, and focus on yourself. I’m not going to fool you into calling this self-care, exactly, but there is nothing wrong if you go for that vibe. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?

Focus On The Integrity And Beauty Of The Marriage Itself — Not Just Only On Its Flaws: It’s easy to think, “If everything would just change, we would be fine.” Or “if he could just see how much I’m trying…” But saving a marriage is rarely about “fixing” one thing or turning one corner. It’s about nurturing the relationship between you until it starts to shift One shift leads to another – which leads to another. Start asking: What does our marriage need right now? What would my husband notice and appreciate right now? What would he move toward instead of away from? — then give as much of that as you can.

Bring Back Small Pieces of What Used to Work: Remember what you used to laugh about? How you used to touch each other’s arms when you talked? How he leaned in when you told him something special to you? When you knew what he was thinking without your saying a word?

Look for tiny opportunities to bring these things back. Tiny reminders of your foundation can sometimes awaken feelings that seem buried.

But exhibit no pressure. No demands. Just little invitations back to what once connected you. Because if you pressure, he may well may away and then you’ll have to start all over. Remember that you are luring. Not forcing.

Only Attempt To Control What You Reasonably And Effortlessly Can: You can’t force your spouse to change. But you can control your own mindset, your words, your energy. You can control what strategies you use. Make sure you lead with integrity, love, dignity, and self-respect — and trust that those changes matter, even if results aren’t instant.

Accept baby steps. Know that this will be gradual. Keep the tone light. You CAN control all of these things, but you can’t control how he reacts to them. If you don’t get the desired response at first, keep going toward what HAS been working (even if it’s only a small thing or things.) It’s okay. You are building.

Know It’s A Process: Saving a marriage isn’t about finding the perfect solution in one big, dramatic moment. It’s about choosing — day by day, sometimes hour by hour — to believe in the possibility of fixing this thing and using your knowledge of your husband – and your marriage – to display those things you ALREADY KNOW he will respond to.

Know That It’s Up To You To Stay The Course: I would never tell you this is easy. It often isn’t. But if you still want this, stay in the game. Don’t let anyone throw you off it. If you still have a tiny ember of hope left, protect it. Nurture it. Act from it. You never know how much light even one small spark can bring back.

This pep talk comes from my own experience. If I had listened to naysayers and my own doubts, I wouldn’t be married today. At one time, my husband made it very clear that he was done with me and my marriage, but I did not give up. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com.

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