Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I know that many wives are quietly worried about their kids due to the state of their marriage. Maybe their marriage has been going through a dire rough patch, and their husband has overtly checked out. There’s tons of tension – so much that you could cut it with a knife. Cold shoulders, sharp sighs, dirty looks, and silence at dinner are just some examples of what these wives experience. Many wives are wondering two things:

“Is my marriage salvageable? and;

“Are the kids picking up on this?”

The answer is often – unfortunately, yes. Kids are incredibly perceptive. They may not understand every dirty look or withholding of affection between their parents. But they often sense when something is “off,” even if you try to put on a happy face.

Unfortunately, that awareness can affect them in ways we don’t always realize, and certainly wouldn’t want —emotionally, behaviorally, and even physically. However, before you are flooded with guilt, you don’t have to just accept this situation.

Kids Are Wired to Tune In, But They Can Also Feel When Things Are Improving: Children are hard-wired to pay attention to the people whom they love the most. They’re watching us all the time— we are their compass in the world. If Mom and Dad are happy, the world feels safe. If something seems wrong, that safety feels a little less certain.

Even if you say nothing, kids notice changes in mood, tone, and body language. Even if little kids can’t describe their discomfort in words, you may see it in their clinginess, tantrums, or trouble sleeping. Older kids may seem moody, distracted, or anxious.

None of these behaviors seems great, but they can be reversed when you begin to right your marriage again, or at least improve your communication and the ease between you.

What Your Kids Notice And What You Can Work On Right Now: You may be wondering how your kids “just know” that something is off. Tension doesn’t have to include loud fights to be noticeable to a kid. Sure, your loud fights will be nearly impossible to ignore. But even tension is easy to feel. They notice if you are avoiding one another, they notice if your tone changes, they notice shifts in mood, and they notice if the ease with which you normally function around each other turns cold.

How To Begin To Turn The Tide: No marriage is perfect. And kids are resilient and can handle fleeting arguments, where you go right back to your loving selves toward one another. But if you are experiencing a significant rift in the bond between you, it makes sense to try to address this if you are still invested in your marriage.

If you cannot get your husband on board initially, you can at least show your kids that you are navigating these difficult times with honesty, grace, and dignity. Even if you and your husband are having arguments, try to keep communication respectful and always attempt to talk through things calmly.

Do everything in your power to maintain those small opportunities for connection between the family and your husband. Family movie nights, walks in the park, board games, or even just talking during dinner can help to restore a sense of normalcy.

Taking Care Of Your Kids Means Taking Care Of Your Marriage:  Sometimes, the best way to address your kids picking up on the marital tension is to try to address the marriage and remove the tension. Prioritize fixing your marriage and fixing your family. Doing so will model to your kids the importance of not giving up on family during difficult times.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up: If you’re still with me, there is no question that you care deeply – about your kids, your marriage, and your family. You have not failed your kids. You’re here trying to make things better and to create the best family possible for them. You and your husband will always be their parents, and you are showing that you will do whatever it takes to give them the best experience possible.  

If your marriage and keeping your family intact are still important to you, don’t give up. It is possible to save your marriage even if you are the only one trying. This website is full of articles about the same.

My husband was not in any way interested in saving our marriage. If I had let his indifference deter me, I would not be married today. I had to use focused determination and a whole lot of finesse. You can read about how I did that here.

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