Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could say that midlife crises were rare occurrences, but they aren’t. Studies show that as many as 20% of adults will have this sort of crisis in their lives. It would be bad enough if the crisis only affected the person having it, but this isn’t the case. The crisis will often affect spouses, children, and marriages. In short, it may damage all of the people around the person having it.

Not surprisingly, many wives with husbands going through a crisis feel unfairly singled out because the husband will begin to blame the marriage or the wife for all of the unhappiness that he may be experiencing.

Suddenly, he’s not sure if he wants to be married anymore because he thinks that the relationship no longer serves him. Needless to say, this can be incredibly confusing to a wife who has supported and loved this man for many years of their lives.

She might say, “My husband is very obviously having a midlife crisis. He is suddenly tired of many of his friends, family, and me. He has decided that he needs to reevaluate every area of his life. He just left a job and a career that he’s had for many years – even if that means taking a substantial pay cut. He’s dropped many close friends that he has known since childhood. And now he is telling me that he isn’t sure that he wants to be married to me anymore. “

“This really upsets and angers me because I know that I’m not really the problem. He’s ignoring the health scares he’s had over the year which probably made him think about his mortality. He refuses to think about the fact that he changed careers because he was scared he would be fired. In other words, he’s had many issues and problems over the last year that could obviously be the source of his unhappiness. But he’s choosing to blame his relationships (and me) instead. Why do men do this? Why is our marriage being solely blamed for his crippling unhappiness? It’s so unfair.”

I agree with you that it’s not only unfair, but it’s also not at all accurate in most cases. I’ll offer some suggestions on how to deal with this, but first, I want to list some reasons that he may be blaming your marriage, as follows:

You’re the Easiest Target: Everyone who is a parent knows that when a child is having a meltdown or a teenager is deeply unhappy, mom or dad is going to get the brunt of it. The parents are going to be portrayed as “mean” or “clueless” because they are the person who is closest to the struggling child, and they are the ones who are going to be the most hurt by the accusations. The parent is also the person most likely to give the child the desired response.

The same is true of a spouse having a midlife crisis. Frankly, a midlife crisis is painful, even if the person having it doesn’t fully realize they are in pain. So they’ll often lash out at the person who they know will be their easiest target and who will give them the most dramatic response – you. 

The plus side to this is that his choosing you for his most painful actions means he’s subconsciously aware that you’re the one he’s closest to in his life. That means something. 

He May Suddenly Feel That A Long-Term Reliance on The Same Relationship Takes His Autonomy and Power Away: Sometimes men having a midlife crisis fear being “whipped” or they worry that they’ve been harmed in some way by staying in the relationship for so long. Is there something they’ve missed out on by being married? Could they become a better version of themselves if they decided to go it alone? 

For whatever reason, they’ve decided that they can improve their lives by evaluating and then changing what no longer works for them. And they can sometimes mistakenly suspect that their marriage has been one of these things all along.

They May Convince Themselves that They’ve Outgrown the Relationship, Have Become Bored With It, Or Deserve Better: I am in no way saying that any of these things are true. But husbands who are tempted to discard their wives or their marriages due to midlife crisis will often convince themselves that the problem is totally with the marriage – it’s grown stale, the spark is gone, or it no longer serves either spouse.

Much of the time, he can’t evaluate his relationships properly. He lacks objectivity because of the crisis itself. Therefore, his destructive thoughts continue to cycle and strengthen his resolve. 

How to Handle This: I completely understand why a wife would want to tell her husband that he’s not himself and is acting irrationally. Because frankly, he often is. 

However, it helps for you to counter his irrationality with your own rational thinking. He isn’t likely to listen to reason right now, because he is being influenced by the uncertainty in his life more than anything else. 

If you tell him he’s wrong, or acting irrationally, or even having a midlife crisis, he will use this as confirmation of his negative feelings toward you and the marriage. The strategy of trying to talk some sense into him often backfires.

Instead, try your best to remain calm and try to see him as someone who is injured and therefore blowing up his life. You can’t necessarily stop him from the things that he is doing, but you can tell him that you still care about him and will be there to listen and support him anytime he wishes. 

Try to move slowly and not make rash decisions because frankly, sometimes in time, the midlife crisis will burn itself out, and he will realize that he’s wrong and has been acting irrationally, and you won’t have to do or say anything. 

And because you’ve portrayed yourself as someone who tried to be supportive, you’ll be in a much better position than the wife who told him he was acting like a stupid old fool.

I know wives are reading this who worry that he’ll never grow out of the midlife crisis. And I can’t tell you that’s impossible. But many men do ease out of this phase eventually, and you don’t want to make an enemy of him in the meantime. 

Before my own husband came out of his thinking, I panicked and did things that only made the situation worse.  Therefore, I had a much bigger mess to clean up.  I eventually began to understand how to approach things calmly instead of without panic. And I learned how to approach my husband as a partner rather than an adversary.  This changed everything and allowed us to eventually reconcile.  You can read that whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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