Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It can be normal for couples to back away from daily, one-on-one interactions when they are separated. After all, the idea was to take a bit of time and space and to later regroup and see where things stand.  

Unfortunately, some spouses can take this to the extreme. They grow radio silent, and they can make you feel that they no longer care what you do, who you see, and how you feel. 

A wife might say, “before our marriage turned sour and before the separation, my husband and I were involved in each other’s lives. We cared deeply about the well-being of one another. Some of our friends probably thought we were too involved, but that’s okay. My husband always wanted to be invited to outings I was going to. He always wanted to know who I was with or what I was doing. And this wasn’t in an unhealthy and possessive way. It was just that he cared about me. I was the same way about him. But several months ago, things changed. He wasn’t happy and was very restless, so he wanted to pursue a separation. It wasn’t really nasty between us, except I tried to talk him out of it, and he didn’t want to be talked out of it. So there was conflict with that, but ultimately, there was no changing his mind. “

“Still, things remained pretty cordial. However, now that we live apart, he never asks after me. He doesn’t seem to care if I’m having a hard time or if things are going on in my life. One of our mutual friends saw me talking to a guy (who was an old friend from school and not a big deal) but I know the friend would have told my husband, and it got no reaction whatsoever. It’s like he doesn’t care at all. He seems to care less as to what I do and who I see. And I am the exact opposite. I care very much about his experiences. I want to know everything, but of course, I’m not given this information. He’s very secretive, and he resents that I ask. I am assuming that none of this is a good sign. Does this mean that he no longer loves me or is uninvested in me and that we will end up divorced? Should I try to get him to care?”

Not necessarily. It’s important to remember that how the separation starts isn’t always the way that it ends. My husband was very standoffish toward me in the beginning. He was borderline hostile, and I made it worse with some of my behaviors. Thankfully, I was able to clean some of that up, and in time, we got closer. And we are still married today, even though it looked bleak at times during our separation.

Know That His Behavior Can Change Over Time: People can have a change in thinking when they are alone for a while. In the beginning, things are new. There are adjustments. Feelings are fresh, and that can make things feel immediate or as if everything is all or nothing.

Your husband may feel like he SHOULDN’T care so much about you and so he’s trying not to. Or he may very well care, but he’s not eager to show those feelings to you because there is supposed to be some distance during a separation. Or maybe he’s trying not to care because he thinks that is the healthy option.

At this point, you just can’t know for sure. But you can be careful not to make it worse, which leads me to my next point. 

You Can’t (and Probably Shouldn’t) Try to “Make” Him Care:  People often ask me if they should do things to try to get a reaction out of their husband or make him jealous. I too was tempted to attempt these things. And there were times when I didn’t volunteer information to my husband because I didn’t think it would hurt to let him wonder.  

But I made it a point to not play serious games because experience taught me (when I tried those tactics) that they only made things worse. Most husbands aren’t clueless. They’ll know what you’re trying to do and they will not only resent it, they’ll just double down on not caring that much more.

I think the better play is to continue to show that you care about him. If you want him to care about your well-being, show him that you care about his. Always try to take the high road. Of course, I’m not suggesting you be a doormat or accept ill-treatment that you don’t deserve. Nor am I suggesting that you push if he’s not receptive to your communication. Sometimes, you just have to use your best judgment and back up just slightly if you have to. 

But some distance can be normal, especially initially. He may be feeling his way, even if he doesn’t realize it. He may even THINK that he truly doesn’t care, or hope that he really doesn’t care, but that doesn’t mean either of these things will be true in a couple of months from now. 

You can help yourself by practicing self-care and working on your own strength and resiliency. Additionally, if there are any marital issues that you can do something to remove, then that’s usually worth doing. Yes, many things require both people to work together, but not everything. You might be surprised at how much you can do on your own. I was definitely able to identify where I could have given more than I took and where I was being incredibly selfish.

Thankfully, I got the chance to rectify those things, and I got the chance to work with my husband on the things that still stood between us. But I had to have patience while I waited on some of my strategies to work and until he got over the initial resistance. You can read more about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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