Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives have been told or suspect that they should play hard to get while separated or try the “no contact” method to lure their husbands back. However, not everyone understands how these strategies should work. It’s not always completely clear when you should reach out or pull back.

Someone might say, “My husband is the one who wanted to separate. I begged him not to do this to us. But nothing I said or did made a bit of difference. I have also asked him repeatedly to see or speak with me, and although he does at times, I always feel that he doesn’t really want to. It’s like I’m forcing him, and he’s always reluctant to have anything to do with me. Some people have been telling me I should turn the tables on him. They’ve said that when he contacts me, I shouldn’t respond. I’m worried about that strategy, though. He contacts me so rarely that I don’t feel I have that type of luxury. When should you not respond to a separated spouse?”

This is a very tricky question. Although I admit that I did sprinkle some no contact into my separation strategy late into the game because I messed things up so badly initially, I believe that you must be very careful with this. I”ll explain why.

Be Mindful of Fragility:  As you’ve already explained and you intuitively know, things are fragile right now. He’s not contacting you very often, so what happens if he decides he’s been somewhat out of line and he wants to reach out to you? And then you rebuff him one too many times? As a result, he could give up. He could think you’re not acting in good faith. And he may feel that perhaps he was right all along.

As I alluded to earlier, the no contact or not responding should be a strategy that is used sparingly and alternated with cooperative contact. It’s probably not a good idea to go all in on this when you’re on very shaky ground.

And you never want to be rude and look like you don’t care at all. If you want to save your marriage, it’s silly to pretend the opposite.

The Fine Line Between Caring and Giving Space: I decided early on that it was never going to work if I pretended that I didn’t care about my husband or my marriage. My husband would know this was a lie, so any strategy where I thought I was being slick would be blown.  

As a result, I had to walk a tightrope to make it appear that while I still cared about my husband and my marriage very much, I had my own life to navigate and figure out while he was doing the same. I never did things like forget his birthday or not acknowledge when important things happened in his life. 

But, he had asked me to give him space, and at some desperate point, I decided to respect that. And I told him that I was doing the same. I made it clear that I’d wait for him to reach out to me. And, much to my shock, he did. 

I admit that I was thrilled, and I wasn’t silly enough to think that I was going to not respond. That would not have been in my best interest, but I didn’t overreact as I had in the past, either.

Picking the Right Time to Tone it Down: My “less contact” strategy came about when I honestly didn’t have a choice. I became a pest to my husband, and he was avoiding me like I was the worst person in the world. So I had no choice but to let him alone. When he did start to reach out to me, I was receptive, but I did not jump when he called as I had before.

I wanted him to know that I was serious about doing what was best for myself as well. If I didn’t show respect for myself, how could I expect him to? So I didn’t always call him back immediately, but I did call back eventually. But not getting back to him at all and pretending I just didn’t care?

That was something that I just wasn’t willing to do. I did care. I wanted my marriage. He knew these things. There was no sense in lying. But, I didn’t want him to think he held all of the power, either. So I wasn’t always going to drop everything for him, but I was going to eventually see him when he asked that of me. There is a way to walk a fine line and accomplish both things.

As you may suspect, taking this approach requires that you slow down some. But honestly, that’s fine. It’s better than fine, actually, because gradual changes feel more sustainable and real. Changes that I made over time allowed my husband (who had serious doubts all along) to trust that we really could rebuild. And he just would not have bought this if I had continued over pursuing him. 

So yes, I do think that you sometimes need to slow down and let him pursue you. I think it can be healthy to not jump every time he calls. But to completely ignore him? That’s a hard one for me to get behind because I’ve seen it backfire. I’ve seen the husband just shrug his shoulders and not try again, and I’ve seen both spouses try to “get back” at one another during games like this – so that things deteriorated even further.

If your goal is to get him back during “no contact,” be careful that you aren’t making it so that reconciling is less likely because you’re playing games, he knows it, and he has no patience for it.  

Sure, you can slow things down. You can not always be immediately available. I did these things, and they worked for me. But I never pretended I didn’t care if I answered my husband or not. I never didn’t respond at all (although I may have delayed things.) Strategy is up to each wife, of course. But I never saw the reasoning behind antagonizing the person you’re trying to get back. 

Here’s more about the modified no contact strategy I’m talking about.

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