Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that you can feel as if you are walking on eggshells during your separation.

You don’t want to do or say anything that may be interpreted incorrectly.

You don’t want to do anything that is going to make this worse.

So you may feel very self-conscious. And that may be when you think that you see your husband’s side-eye.

Someone might say, “I swear I think that even if I did everything right, my husband would still find fault. These last eight months, I can do nothing right in his eyes. And we have been separated for three of those months. I swear that I have been on my best behavior. I try very hard not to do anything that would set him off. In fact, I’m very nice and cordial.”

“I’m trying so hard. Even when we are with the kids and just enjoying a family day together, he always has this look on his face that makes me think he believes I’m doing something wrong. Once, I even asked him what the look was about, and he scowled at me and said he had no idea what I was talking about. But I could nearly feel the hostility coming off of him.”

“And it’s confusing because we weren’t fighting horribly when we separated. We’ve just grown apart some. And I’m generally acting pleasant when I’m around him, so I’m not sure what the stink-eye is about. Why does he make me feel as if I’m always doing something wrong?”

There could be many reasons, and I will go over them below.  

But before I do, I just want to say, take a deep breath.  

I know the tension and anxiety that you are feeling right now, and I know that it isn’t any fun.  

I also know that you will make better decisions when you are calm. So please try to come at this from another angle if you can, which leads me to my next point.

Check-In With Yourself Right Now. I’ll Wait:  

By no means am I putting any blame at all on you. I am not in any way saying that you are at fault in any capacity.

But, what I am trying to very gingerly say is that sometimes, our fear clouds the way that we look at things.  

Sometimes, we are so worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, that we assume that we’re being scrutinized for the very same reason. 

This can cause us to see a bit more than there actually is.

Just for a second, ask yourself if it’s possible that your spouse is merely as frustrated as you are.  

Neither of you may be doing anything wrong. You may be both doing the best you can, but you can’t see it from that angle because you’re too afraid of what you may lose. 

Question Your Thoughts and See What Changes: 

For a day or two, try questioning your assumptions.  

For example, if you think he’s side-eyeing you because he’s angry at something you did, you could try to check yourself with something like:

“I can’t know what he’s thinking unless he tells me. Maybe, like me, he is having a hard time with this.”

Getting the Information you Really Want: 

 I have been where you are. There were times in my separation when I was sure that I would be divorced in a few more months.

That’s why I suspect that I know what you’re really wondering when you worry that your husband thinks you are doing something wrong.

You are wondering, in some shape or form: are my actions helping my cause? Is what I’m doing going to attract or detract from my ability to get him back?

Erasing what Doesn’t Matter to Get the Confidence You Need: 

The type of thinking I described above can make you very self-conscious.

And you need confidence when you’re trying to attract your spouse back to you.

So, try to get down to the brass tacks when these thoughts are going through your mind.

If you are acting in a pleasant way and have done nothing to negatively engage with your husband, then there are really two possibilities:

1. you are seeing what may not be there because of your fear. 

1. Or, he’s angry about something else.

Now, he may be angry about outside forces that have nothing to do with you.

Or, he may still be angry about an issue (or issues) between you.

And the only way to erase the latter is to ask yourself if there is anything that you can do to begin to ease the issue between you.

Removing What You Alone Can Control:

I know that some issues are large and take a great deal of time and effort to sort out.

And I know this is hard when your spouse isn’t receptive to you.

That is why you sometimes need to settle for a gradual pace and work as you are able.

 But do not give up if you know in your heart that you want this to be workable.

Keep smiling. Keep maintaining a pleasant attitude. And wait for him to thaw a bit. 

When he does, do the things that you can control to address the issues that you suspect may be making him non-receptive to you:

• Maybe you now realize you took some of the things he did for granted.

• Perhaps you realize that you can compromise a little more.

• Maybe you now know that you could communicate what you want so he no longer has to guess.

• Maybe there’s a place where he’s waiting for an apology that you haven’t given.

In every single example above, you have control over whether you address them.  

You also control how you address them.

You don’t need to wait for him. You have complete control over yourself. 

Don’t Create Problems That Don’t Exist: 

I promise that I’m not implying that you are making up his attitude.

I know that separated husbands can be salty. I’ve dealt with one.

But I also know that sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. 

If you’re sitting there stewing in worry because you’re self-conscious of doing something wrong, you’re much more likely to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Be honest with yourself. Fix what you can. But if you know you’re not doing anything to deserve the side-eye, carry on.

Things do change. As you are able to make progress on some of the things that YOU control, you may notice his attitude shift.

Until then, keep on keeping on with positivity. What other option is there when you truly want to save your marriage?

For me, there was no other option.  There was no reality where I could just let my husband go without a fight.  Yes, I made some brutal mistakes.  But I never gave up. And that was the difference. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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