Leslie Cane Articles

Saving your marriage when you’re separated can be an extremely difficult juggling act. On the one hand, you don’t want to appear so desperate and needy that you scare your spouse away, but you don’t want to back off so much that he thinks you’re letting him go or he moves on without you because of “out of sight out of mind.”

I know this process because I had to do this dance myself.  And I messed it up countless time.  I tried to take the lead when I should’ve been allowing my husband to take the lead.  I called, texted, and basically stalked when I knew deep down in my heart this was only making things worse.

By the time my marriage had withstood all of my mistakes, my husband had filed for divorce, I think because he just didn’t want to deal with me anymore and he suspected that nothing was ever going to change.  Thankfully, I changed course fast and finally tried some thing that eventually worked.  In the following article, I’ll offer some tips on saving you’re marriage when you’re separated.

Don’t Take Things To Extremes:  You Don’t Want To Ignore Your Spouse, But You Don’t Want To Hang On Their Every Word Either:  In theory, the reason for a separation is to give you and your spouse time to see how they really feel about the marriage in order to decide where they want to go from here.

But, if you’re constantly contacting, following, debating with, engaging, and otherwise creating drama with your spouse, then you’re actually keeping this process from happen.  You are actually doing the opposite of what you should be allowing to happen.

Now, sometimes in an attempt to avoid this, people will try to play mind games and avoid their spouse.  They’ll pretend that they don’t care.  They might even try to make their spouse jealous with another person.   All of these things can potentially make you seem unstable and manipulative and this does not help your cause either.

The real key here is to strike a balance.  Nothing’s wrong with your spouse knowing that you aren’t thrilled about the separation, but they should know that you respect it enough to honor it because you are trying to set it up so that the both of you can one day be happy again.  And, if a separation that takes this, so be it.  This leads me to my next point.

Make Sure Your Spouse Knows That Your Goal Is Not To Change Their Mind. Your Goal Is For You Both To Be Happy:  Many times, we become very short sighted when we are trying to save our marriage at all costs.  We are sometimes willing to do nearly anything to change our spouse’s mind.   And this can lead to desperate actions that can make your spouse feel as if you are trying to manipulate them.

Once they suspect that you aren’t being genuine, they will be even more determined to see this through until the end.  So sometimes, the quickest way to get your spouse home after a separation is to make sure your spouse knows that you main goal and focus in making sure that you both have what you need to be happy. 

You aren’t trying to change his mind just to get his way or for change sake.  No, you only want him to change his mind WHEN he knows he can be happy.  If you play your cards right, this can happen more quickly than you think.

Do Not Do The Heavy Lifting Until Your Spouse Is Really Committed To The Marriage Again:  If all goes well, you should begin to feel your spouse shift a bit and become more receptive to you. I know that at that point, it may feel so tempting to jump up and down and get them back home ASAP so that you can “work” on your marriage. 

Please resist this urge.  You have to move very deliberately at this time.  Your marriage is still vulnerable so this is not the time to go digging into your problems or debating who was right or who was wrong.  I am certainly not saying that you won’t have to work through the issues that lead to the separation.  You should and you will.

But before you attempt this, you should give yourselves time to reconnect and recommit.  You want to make sure that your marriage is back on solid ground so that it can withstand your working through your problems.

And when that day comes, you want to keep the entire process as upbeat and positive as possible.  Your spouse will feel closer and more connected to you if they can feel good and positive in your presence.  If you’re forever dwelling on what’s wrong, this is hard to accomplish.

By no means am I saying you should ignore your problems, but you should ease your way into working through them.  

I know this because I made many of the mistakes I’m telling you not to make.  My husband had served me with divorce papers before I finally woke up.  It took a lot of effort and skill to change his mind.  But I did.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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