Leslie Cane Articles

by: leslie cane: I often hear from wives who tell me that they suspect that their marriage is heading for divorce. However, sometimes when they approach their husband about these concerns, he either gets angry, denies that anything is wrong, or changes the subject. Many of these same wives know that they themselves would never initiate a divorce. But, they aren’t so sure about their husbands.

I often hear comments like: “I’m afraid we’re headed for a divorce because we don’t have anything in common anymore. He’s so distant to me and there’s no connection anymore. We’re short and impatient with one another and, to avoid all the unpleasantness, we pretty much have come to avoid each other. Does this mean there’s a divorce in our future and, if so, what can I do to change this?”

Although there’s no way for me to get into the mind of your husband, there are typically some universal signs that marriages exhibit when they’re potentially headed for a divorce. I will discuss these in the following article.

Do One Or Both Of You Believe That Nothing Will Change Or Improve?: I find that overwhelmingly, one of the reasons that people finally pull the trigger on a divorce is that they eventually come to believe that nothing is ever really going to change. Typically, as long as people have hope or feel as though they have something to look forward to, they will remain invested and are much more likely to hang in there, even if they know they’re not happy at the time.

But when people stop believing that there are any changes on the horizon, that’s when they’re much more likely to check out of the marriage. Once this happens, the road to a divorce will typically become shorter because they think that the status quo isn’t going to improve or change, what’s the point in sticking around?

If you’re seeing this, you’ll want to take some swift action to show your husband that things can and will change. This doesn’t mean that you have to be overly dramatic or do things that you know aren’t sustainable. But sometimes, you have to change people’s perceptions and expectations to make them pay attention. It’s so easy to get into a rut where no one rocks the boat. But once this happens, you run the risk of your spouse believing that the status quo is all that there’s ever going to be.

Do One Or Both Of You Just Not Care Anymore: I call this indifference, but this “checking out of the marriage” can be described in many different terms. Honestly, I feel more relief if people tell me that they’re angry or fighting than when they tell me that they’re cordial but cold. When you see signs that your spouse doesn’t care where you go, who you are with, or what you’re doing, then it’s time to become concerned.

It’s so much easier to save a marriage when both people are invested. And, being invested doesn’t mean that you’re passionately in love or even getting along well. Invested spouses can think that they hate one another or have nothing in common. But, the difference is that they’re still frustrated, angry, sad or upset. The difference lies in whether you’re feeling emotions (even if they are strong, negative ones) or not.

When people tell me that they’re just “tired” and really don’t care how this ends, then it’s most definitely a concern. However, since you’re obviously reading this article, likely, you’re still invested. The question then becomes if your spouse still invested. You can save a marriage even when one person reaches this level. But, it’s a lot harder to accomplish. Even if your husband is furious and critical, at least he cares enough to express his emotions. This can be important. Once one or both of you have shut down, maintaining or saving the marriage becomes more difficult, though not impossible.

Do Either Of You Have Divorced Parents Or Close Friends Who Have Just Divorced?: I know that this may seem like a silly question, but it’s relevant. Statistics show that a person whose parents are divorced is statistically more likely to end their marriages themselves. Also, the more close friends or family members that you have who’ve recently divorced, the higher your chances of the same become.

Of course, even if everyone around you divorces, this doesn’t mean that you will (or should) get a divorce yourself. But, it’s important to ask yourself if being around social norms that don’t support saving marriages is influencing you. If you don’t have role models of people who hang in there even when the marriage is challenged, how are you going to know how to do it yourself?

The thing is, you don’t have to give in to statistics. My parents are divorced (one has even been divorced twice) and I’m still married (although a divorce looked to be imminent at one time.) Saving your marriage is often a very deliberate choice. It’s not always easy. Our society is very hard on marriages. There aren’t as many resources available to us today. We will often have to help ourselves.

You don’t have to give in or be influenced by what is going on around you (although doing so isn’t often something that you’re even aware of.) Sometimes you just have to keep reminding yourself that this is your life and it’s up to you (and no one else) to decide what you really want. Once this intention has been set, I’ve found that most people will find the actions, the resources and the tools to help them achieve their goal of saving the marriage. Your attitude and decisions truly are half the battle. If you decide that your marriage is not going to end in divorce because you will do everything in your power to save it, this will often become a self-fulfilling prophecy.