Month: January 2021

My Separated Husband Is In Regular Contact. But We’re Still In Limbo. Because He’s Not Yet Invested In Being A Couple Again.

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear with wives who are running out of patience during their marital separation. While many of them are grateful for the contact and access that they do have with their husbands, they almost always stress that life is nowhere near normal. Sure, their husband may come around and still be invested in family life, but he’s not even close to being invested in being a couple again. And so it feels as if life remains in limbo since no one will address the elephant in the room.

A wife might say, “My husband and I have been separated for about a month, and this has been the toughest four weeks of my life. We’ve been together for nearly a decade, and have been mostly happy. However, over the last year, many stressors have come into our life. My husband took on a highly stressful job that requires long hours. After a year of trying to conceive, we decided to begin fertility treatments. I am not sure if these stressful events have contributed to my husband’s feelings. But out of nowhere, he announced that his feelings for me have changed. He suggested counseling, and the counselor eventually suggested a trial separation. It was easier for me to go live with my parents, who are very close to my husband. Perhaps this is why my husband comes around so much. He helps my dad with chores and attends family dinners. He is in touch every day. But sometimes, this is just a quick text. He will occasionally hold my hand or show affection, but it’s all very light and doesn’t feel all that sincere. He never talks about my coming back home. He never tells me that he misses me or talks about a future together. Sometimes, I feel like he’s stalling because he’s waiting to see if his feelings for me will come back since so far, they haven’t seemed to. This is all quite confusing to me. Sometimes I wonder whether he’s just present so much because he doesn’t want my parents to think less of him. He seems to care more about their perceptions than mine. I haven’t asked him how he feels because I’m afraid of his reply. I try to go with the flow, but it breaks my heart how far away from normal things are. It doesn’t feel like we’re making much progress. I hate living in limbo like this. Is there anything that I can do?”

An Important Perspective: I think that there are a few things that you can do, but before I make these suggestions, I’d like to try to put things in perspective. I understand how much of a struggle this can be. I remember the pain of facing an undisclosed but an additional amount of time away from my husband and from regular life during my own separation. It seemed almost unbearable.

However, I hear from many women who are on the other end of the spectrum. Their husband is never in contact. He blocks them in every way that he can. When these wives attempt to initiate any contact at all, they look like crazy stalkers, when all they are trying to do is open a line of communication.

It is like pulling teeth for these wives to get their husbands to engage in any way. And it’s very difficult to make any progress when you aren’t communicating at all. I know firsthand that your situation isn’t ideal, but I promise that it could be so much worse.

I don’t mean to minimize your pain or frustration. But there is often a path to walk between separation and reconciliation. You are MILES ahead of the women who have husbands who don’t communicate or show anything but apathy or even disdain.

How To Feel Like You’re Doing Something While You’re Waiting (And Which Actions To Avoid): I would never tell you to just wait patiently while it feels like you’re aimlessly treading water. But it’s important that you chose proactive activities that will help rather than hurt.

I know how tempting it is to just come right out and abruptly demand to know where you stand or to act in such a way that is going to force him to tell you.

But here’s the problem with that. Your husband likely isn’t yet sure where either of you stands. That’s why he’s still maintaining contact – because he seems relatively sure he is not ready to walk away. But he also doesn’t appear quite ready to just resume life the way that it was. He’s not giving you an answer because he doesn’t yet have it.

But if you demand one, you are pressuring him to give you an answer before he’s ready, which likely increases the chances that you get the answer you may not like.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to attend counseling, on your own if necessary. That doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to live the parts of your life that aren’t directly tied in with your marriage. We all have jobs, friends, volunteerism, extended family, and hobbies that continue on, evolve, or even become enhanced when we have extra time to devote more attention to them.

I found that it was vital for me to stay busy during my own separation, and I always felt better when I used that time to help or spend time with others.

I promise that every way that you strengthen yourself during your separation will pay huge dividends toward a better marriage when you reconcile.

Getting The Answers You Want Without Applying Pressure: If you just can’t remain silent about your limbo separation status, you can always ask your husband vague, low-pressure questions like, “Does it feel that we’re making progress at all?”

If he isn’t enthusiastic about answering, don’t push. You obviously realize that your husband is under a good deal of stress.  You don’t want to give him any excuse to associate that stress with you. Instead, you want to associate being with you as a relief to the stress.

Always ask yourself if the action you are considering will make your reconciliation more or less likely. If the answer is less likely, wait. Note that the action you likely want to take the most is the action that may be the riskiest. Learn to resist the urge, or at least force yourself to wait and think on it. I found that instead of being pushy, I was much better off being playful.

Because there are other ways that he will tell you what you need to know. When you do make substantial progress, you’ll see his enthusiasm and participation increase. You’ll see less inconsistency in his behavior. His change in tone will become obvious enough that you no longer need to second guess yourself nearly as much.

I know that it may feel like this day will never come, but it is sometimes just around the corner. You are already at a position I encourage wives to strive for (regular contact) and you can build upon this. Yes, I know that the pace is gradual and I know that the timeframe is frustrating, but being patient is often a better alternative than pushing and regretting it.

Try to make the time more tolerable by participating in activities that improve your outlook and situation and by surrounding yourself with people who love and support you.

You can read about how I eventually got my own marriage back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

When Your Separated Husband Is Apathetic To You And Your Marriage. How Do You Break Through To Him?

By: Leslie Cane: A lot of the correspondence that I get is concerning, but one type stands out from all the rest. This type of correspondence is indicative of a very serious problem that shouldn’t be ignored. You might assume that I’m talking about extreme anger, sorrow, or even claims of outright hatred between the spouses. Unfortunately, I’m not.

In fact, when I hear people speak of strong reactions from their spouse – even if those reactions are negative or even nasty – I feel a bit of relief. Because anger, resentment, frustration, and jealousy can all be signs of life in your marriage. They can all indicate that there is still somewhat of an emotional investment. And, believe it or not, you can work with that when you play your cards right.

But it is MUCH harder to play if your spouse is apathetic to you and your marriage. I’ll tell you why, as well as offer suggestions on how to handle a spouse’s apathy, below.

What Is Apathy In Your Marriage Or Separation? What Does It Look Like?: An apathetic spouse gives you almost no reaction whatsoever, no matter the circumstances. You’re not likely to see anger or excitement from him, even in extremely difficult situations. Instead, he is blank. He’ll just stare at you as though he didn’t even hear what you said. Or he’ll act as if you’re being hyperbolic or are exaggerating.

He’s completely withdrawn and no longer participating in the relationship in any meaningful way. This often means that, prior to separating, spouses live like roommates, doing their own thing even as they share a house. And, once separated, they aren’t going to cooperate when you try to draw them in or attempt to interact, even on important issues. And the more you try to force it, the more they will back away.

You might hear someone say, “I honestly thought that separating and living apart would force my husband out of his apathy. I thought he would have no choice but to interact with me as we had to navigate our kids and our home. I was wrong in this assumption. He acts as if I am invisible. He insists that all communication is in writing so that he doesn’t have to physically or verbally interact with me. Some days, I believe that I could tell him the house was on fire or something was wrong with one of the kids and he would act as if I’d told him that today is Wednesday. His reaction will be flat no matter what words I say. In contrast, if he’s talking to the kids without me or to one of his parents, he can be animated, loving, and will have appropriate reactions. It is just me to which he is apathetic. How do I break through to him when he seems to insist on putting up a wall to keep me out at all times?”

Find The Crack In The Wall: Please do not take this the wrong way. The question that I’m about to ask is personal, but it’s also designed to give you important information. We all know that there are two sides to every story, but have you stopped to consider your husband’s? I ask because sometimes, if you do, you’ll get some very big clues as to your best play moving forward. Even if it is very hard to find, there’s often a reason that your husband has built a wall around himself. Your job is to find the crack in that wall.

Sometimes, when I hear from husbands, I’ll get a completely different perspective on the issue. Husbands in this situation will often tell you that the wife acted with apathy first. They’ll tell you that they withdrew only after getting shut down repeatedly from their busy, preoccupied wife. They’ll claim that the wife always made time for the kids, but not for him. Or they’ll tell you that they’ve tuned their wife out because she’s ramped up her behavior so high, that it’s emotionally easier to not engage anymore.

I understand that this may be difficult, but sometimes, you would do yourself a favor to ask yourself, “What has it been like to be married to me for the last two years?” Answer honestly. I’m not asking you to do this because I want you to blame yourself. You are not to blame. But if you can figure out where his perceptions have turned negative, you’ve likely brushed upon at least one of the reasons WHY your husband has built that wall. Once you understand this, you can address it and hopefully begin to chip away at it.

For example, if you have to admit that you’ve been preoccupied and have put your marriage on the back-burner, then redirecting your attention to it is obviously an important first step. Because in your husband’s mind, he believes that you were apathetic first and his behavior is just a reaction to yours. I’m not saying that his perception is true. But if this is what he believes, then this is the reality you are working with right now.

Be careful that you both aren’t crossing your arms and staring at each other in a sort of perpetual standoff. When the culture in your marriage or separation becomes “hands-off” for both parties, you’re dealing with a situation where no one wants to make waves, and both parties assume that the other just doesn’t care. In fact, both people can care very much. But no one wants to be the odd man out, or the only one who cares.

You Can’t Force Him To Drop His Apathy, But You Can Easily Control Your Own Behavior: One of the biggest mistakes that I see a wife make is to keep escalating her own behavior as the husband shuts down. She comes to believe that she has to do something very dramatic just to get his attention. And the more over the top her actions become, the more he turns a blind eye. Needless to say, this can contribute to a very destructive cycle that only damages the marriage more.

Don’t attempt to address his apathy with more negative or bad behavior on your part. I understand the desperation you feel to get his attention by any means necessary, but trust me, it will often only make things worse. It will only make him even more determined not to budge.

What you can control is the culture of your marriage or separation from your own side of it. As uncomfortable as it may be, it is likely that you will have to be the one to initiate things and to take the lead.

I often suggest applying the type of behavior that you hope to see. I know that this can feel vulnerable and that you will feel as if you are doing all the work. But sometimes, the ends justify the means. If you want him to pay attention to and invest in you and your marriage, then this is precisely what you must do. Yes, sometimes, it will feel as if you are standing alone and without an audience. But if you do the right things for long enough, he will often not only notice but he will begin to reciprocate.

And at the very least, you will never go wrong being caring and cordial.

Understand What He Is Most Likely To Respond To: It is human nature to respond in kind to any behavior – both negative or positive. We often mirror behavior even when we aren’t aware that we’re doing it or have no intention of doing it. When he sees you making an emotional investment, he will be more likely to do the same because people move toward the things that make them feel good about themselves. It is just human nature.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore his apathy and just hope that it goes away. It likely won’t. And true and unending apathy can mean that the next step for your marriage is not going to be a desirable one. Admittedly, you can’t control your husband’s behavior. But sometimes, changing your own can gradually bring about a big difference that is the spark you need to get him invested again.

My husband was very indifferent and apathetic at points during our separation.  And I did shut down in response.  But I had to play a different game to save our marriage, which eventually worked.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com