What To Do When Your Spouse Falls Out of Love

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from so many people who are floored when their spouse suddenly says something like, “I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.”

It’s such a devastating statement. One woman recently told me:

“My husband blurted it out at dinner, almost like he was commenting on the weather. He didn’t ask for a divorce. He didn’t even offer any solutions. He just said he’d fallen out of love—then asked me to pass the salt. I was stunned. I went for a walk, and we haven’t spoken about it since. I don’t even know where to begin. Do I change something about myself? Is he already halfway out the door? What am I supposed to do?”

If you’ve been through something similar, you already know how painful those words feel. They land like a rejection and can leave you paralyzed. But here’s the truth: as hopeless as it sounds, this situation can be turned around. I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count.

Don’t Jump To The Worst-Case Scenario: The first instinct is usually to panic: “I’m not attractive anymore.” “He must be seeing someone else.” “It’s over, and there’s nothing I can do.”

But here’s the problem: if you let those assumptions take over, you stop yourself from taking action. And in my experience, the couples who do turn this around are the ones who use that painful conversation as a wake-up call.

As strange as it sounds, not everyone gets that warning shot. Some people’s first heads-up is divorce papers. So if your spouse is telling you how he feels – even if it hurts – it also means you’ve been given time to respond.

Don’t Take It 100% Personally: I know that sounds odd. But sometimes when a spouse says they’ve “fallen out of love,” it’s not really about you. It’s about life.

The truth is, people project. If they’re stressed, unhappy at work, overwhelmed, or drained, it’s very easy to look at their marriage and think, “This is the problem.” But often, they’re really falling out of love with their life, and their partner is just the closest target.

That doesn’t mean you should ignore it. But it does mean you shouldn’t assume it’s permanent. Feelings ebb and flow. With the right shifts, they can return.

Focus On What Brought You Together: I’m not crazy about the term “falling out of love,” because it makes it sound like something that just happens to you with no control. But marriage isn’t just about sparks and butterflies. It’s about time, attention, and energy.

Think back: when couples tell me they’ve drifted apart, it almost always comes down to the fact that life got in the way. Work, kids, stress, responsibilities – suddenly, the laughter, affection, and connection are put on the back burner. And without realizing it, the feelings change.

The good news? That also means you can change things. By deliberately reintroducing some of those positive, connecting behaviors, you create the space for feelings to come back.

This doesn’t mean you have to turn cartwheels or smother your spouse with attention overnight. In fact, that often backfires. Small, genuine changes – lightening their load, showing kindness, reconnecting in simple ways – can quietly build momentum.

Action Matters More Than Waiting: I’ll be honest. Sitting back and hoping your spouse “falls back in love” without any effort almost never works. I know it’s scary to be vulnerable, especially if you’re not sure how they’ll respond. But in nearly every case I’ve seen, some action is better than none.

When my own husband once told me he thought he’d “fallen out of love,” I didn’t feel much in love either. Part of me feared it was over. But another part of me decided to experiment with small changes—putting more focus back on us, and less on the grind of daily life.

It didn’t change overnight. But gradually, the closeness returned. And with it, so did the love.

If you’re facing this in your marriage, I know how raw and scary it feels. But it’s not necessarily the end. With patience, strategy, and consistent effort, many couples rebuild the feelings they thought were lost forever.

 I also share a very personal story about how I turned my own marriage around when my husband confessed he was “out of love.” You can read it here: http://isavedmymarriage.com/.