My Husband Says He is Not in Love Anymore Because He is Not Attracted to Me – Insights That May Help

by: Leslie Cane: I often hear from very upset wives who have been told something quite upsetting by their husbands. In short, he’s typically told her that he is no longer “in love” with her because he’s either no longer attracted to her or just doesn’t find her physically appealing anymore. Wives often tell me things like: “In the heat of the moment, my husband admitted that he’s just no longer attracted to me, and he thinks he’s fallen out of love with me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear the thought of divorce, and it makes me so sad that he no longer sees me in the way that he used to. What can I do now?”

The answer to these questions depends greatly upon the circumstances and the personalities of the people who are involved. However, this is the kind of thing that your instincts will usually tell you that you can’t ignore. It’s typically not the best idea to hope that he didn’t mean it or that things will get better on their own. This is one of those times where it is generally in your best interest to take the quick and decisive action that you can convincingly pull off. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Understanding That Your Husband Might Be Projecting Other Negative Feelings And Doubts Onto You: I know that hearing this sort of thing is devastating, and it would do absolutely no good for me to advise that you don’t take it personally. I do understand this, as I have been in this situation before. But, I do have to tell you that people who are under stress in other areas in their lives have a tendency to project this onto those closest to them. In this case, that person appears to be you.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that his words aren’t at least partly true, but it also doesn’t mean that they were meant as harshly as he said them. We’ve all had instances where we’ve said things in anger and then have not only greatly regretted this later, but also come to realize that we didn’t mean them in the first place. Try to keep an open mind that this may also be the case here. It’s very common for a husband to project his frustration about the marriage, his job, feeling misunderstood, or a multitude of other issues onto those who are easily available to him.

Desperate Behaviors Or Behaviors That Read Negatively Are Not Typically Perceived As Attractive: I know that it’s very tempting to want to take very dramatic action very quickly. You want some relief from the way that you feel right now, and that’s entirely understandable. But be careful with your actions and reactions. It’s so understandable and so easy to want to fall back on negative emotions. It’s easy to want to engage or to argue or even to consider lashing out.

But these behaviors will often only bring about negative emotions in him. And, as we’ve discussed, these negative emotions will often cloud the way that he sees you. This doesn’t mean that you have to act in a way that’s not genuine. But always try to consider how you’ll be perceived before you act. It certainly doesn’t hurt to take a measured approach so that you’re improving his perceptions rather than reinforcing them. I dialog with men in this situation on a very regular basis. And I can tell you that they almost overwhelmingly tell me that desperation and engaging behaviors are not considered attractive. Rather, they find confident and direct women to be a bit more appealing.

What A Husband Often Means When He Says He No Longer Finds You Attractive: I realize that husbands might find what I’m about to say debatable, but I’ve noticed some common trends when I discuss this topic with them. It’s my opinion that what many have really fallen out of love with is the marriage and the fact that it no longer gives them the payoff that they had previously experienced and have now come to expect.

They often tell me that the happy-go-lucky wife who used to bring out the light-hearted side of them is now gone and has been replaced with someone who is scattered, not observant, no longer as interested in them, and often withdrawn. The resentment that they can feel about this can’t be overstated. And this can very much cloud how they see you and this can even contribute to all of the “finding you unattractive” talk that is going on right now.

Changing Your Actions And Behaviors Will Often Give Even Better Results That Changing Your Looks: Many women in this situation tell me that they are considering drastic measures like a facelift or liposuction. In my experience, you will often get better results when you change where you place your attention, your focus, and your priorities.

Sometimes, showing your husband that you are listening, that you do appreciate him, that you do understand where he is coming from, and that you are willing to make some real and lasting change will often be much more effective than any physical changes you could possibly make. The truth is, women who make men feel good about themselves appear beautiful in those same men’s eyes.

Sure, making changes to your appearance that make you feel good about yourself and help you to pull this off with confidence is typically a good idea. You want to be as confident as you can possibly be. But you often don’t need a drastic change to get to this place. You just need to remember that the person your husband fell in love with and wanted to marry is you. Typically, you see this woman in the mirror every day without really seeing the nuances of who she is. Often, if you can bring the best parts of her back, your husband will begin to see you (both physically and emotionally) in a much different way.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions and my words when I felt my husband’s love slipping away and when he flat-out told me I wasn’t all that attractive to him anymore. Making things better took a 380-degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/