I Feel Like I Love My Husband More Than He Loves Me. What Can I Do?

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who worry that they love their husbands far more than their husbands love them. Sometimes, they even measure this love by degrees. For example, I might hear something like: “I love him on a level eleven, but he only loves me on a level one. I’m always the one making the effort, showing affection, and trying to connect. He doesn’t ask me about my day. He doesn’t make any effort to engage. It feels like I’m just tolerated rather than cherished.”

If this sounds familiar, please know you’re not alone. I’ve been there myself. In fact, I handled this situation the wrong way at first—and it nearly cost me my marriage. Through a lot of trial and error, and eventually research and reflection, I came to see that there are right ways and wrong ways to respond to this dynamic. Let me share what I’ve learned.

Why Scorekeeping Isn’t the Answer: When you’re feeling lonely and disconnected in your marriage, it’s tempting to keep score. You compare how much you love him versus how much he loves you. You measure who’s doing the work and who isn’t. But the real question isn’t “Who loves more?” It’s: “Do both of us feel loved, wanted, and valued?”

Shifting your perspective this way matters because it puts the focus on action, rather than comparison. Scorekeeping usually doesn’t bring solutions. But focusing on whether you feel loved opens the door to figuring out what’s missing and what you can do about it.

Men Often Show Love Differently: Another thing I’ve learned is that men often aren’t as demonstrative as women. Many wives expect their husbands to show love in the same way they do – through words, attention, and affection. But that’s not always how men are wired.

That doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you. It may simply mean he expresses it differently—or not as often as you’d like. Sometimes, it’s about gently teaching him what makes you feel noticed and loved, and encouraging those behaviors.

I know many wives feel resentful about having to “train” their husbands. I get that. But in my experience, it’s better to make small adjustments that lead to the connection you crave, rather than stay stuck in frustration and hurt while nothing changes.

When Lack of Affection Signals Something Bigger: Of course, there are situations where lack of affection isn’t just about personality differences. Sometimes, it’s a sign of deeper issues in the marriage – or even a sign that he’s withdrawing emotionally.

This is the harder scenario, because asking him to “show more affection” won’t help if the feelings themselves are fading. In these cases, it’s important to look at why he’s pulling away. Is there an unresolved conflict? Is he feeling unappreciated himself? Often, men don’t analyze their emotions the way we do. Instead of talking about what’s wrong, they withdraw. That can leave wives feeling like they’re “imagining things,” when in reality, something needs to be addressed.

Avoid Pushing When He’s Already Distant: One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was trying to force my husband to “work on the marriage” when he was already pulling back. The more I pressed, the more he resisted. I thought more conversations, more demands, or more effort would fix things. In reality, it only made him retreat further.

If your husband is already distant, he may not be open to big discussions just yet. Sometimes, the better first step is to quietly look at where the marriage is off balance—and begin making small, genuine changes yourself.

Focus on Genuine Connection: Wives often ask me: “But how am I supposed to do this? I’m already giving all the affection, and it isn’t working.”

The truth is, it’s usually not just about physical affection. What most men crave (though they might not put it into words) is genuine connection. They want to feel heard, respected, and understood—not manipulated, pressured, or compared.

That’s why the focus should be on creating moments of real connection, not just adding more affection for appearance’s sake. Your husband will know the difference.

My Own Turning Point: When my husband started withdrawing, I panicked. I kept score. I criticized. I tried to control the situation. All of this only pushed him further away.

Eventually, I realized I needed to take a different approach. Instead of focusing on what I wasn’t getting, I began making small, authentic changes in how I connected with him. Over time, he responded. Our marriage healed, but only because I stopped feeding the distance with negative behaviors and started rebuilding trust and connection instead.

I know how painful it is to feel like you’re the only one holding the marriage together. But don’t lose hope. Often, the problem isn’t that your husband doesn’t love you—it’s that the love is being expressed differently, or it’s gotten buried under stress, distance, or old patterns.

The key is to stop keeping score, focus on what makes both of you feel connected, and gently create the kind of marriage where love doesn’t just exist – it’s felt.

👉 You can read more of my personal story about how I saved my own marriage (when I definitely loved my husband more than he loved me) here.