How Can I Remain Calm When My Husband Is Saying He Wants A Divorce?

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives have read that it’s best to remain calm when their husband is asking for or saying that he wants a divorce. The reason for this is that your panic can cause you to do or say all the wrong things and to make the divorce that much more likely. This makes sense on the surface. Saying that you should remain calm is easy. But actually doing it can be very difficult, if not impossible. When what you fear the most is staring you right in the face, it can be very difficult to rein in your feelings.

One of these wives might ask: “I know that I should be calm and shouldn’t panic, but this is a divorce that we are talking about. This is my life. This is my marriage. We are talking about the heart and not about our heads. How are you supposed to remain calm when the man that you love most in the world, and the father of your children, is telling you that he wants a divorce? I want to keep my cool, but I just don’t see how I can.”

Believe it or not, I intimately understand this topic. I was anything but calm when my own husband told me he wanted a separation. And I fully realize that I am advising you to be calm when I myself was anything but. With that said, my inability to remain calm meant that I panicked. As a result, I acted in such a way that made my husband want to divorce me that much more quickly. My feelings toward and advice about remaining level-headed is the direct result of the mistakes I made that almost cost me my marriage. However, changing course wasn’t easy, especially since I had gotten into the habit of overreaching. But, through trial, error, and the knowledge that I had to change or lose my husband, I found some ways to calm myself down. I will share them with you below.

Keep Yourself Busy With Things You Actually Enjoy: You are going to feel the void of your husband more deeply if you dwell on it in a house where he is not present. I know that you might feel as if you just want to stay home and look at wedding photos while listening to your song. But if you do these things, you’re likely to be negatively affected by this and be inspired to do something that you might later regret.

It truly is best to keep yourself busy so you don’t have the time to dwell on something to which you don’t yet know the outcome. A divorce isn’t granted overnight. You may not have endless time, but you often have some time. If you spend that time nagging, following, or arguing with your husband, you aren’t going to help your cause very much.

But if you spend that time remaining busy and doing the things that allow you to act and respond more positively, then this is very likely to help your cause. Many wives do understand this on an intellectual level, but then, when it comes down to actually calming down and backing up, they don’t know where to start.

You start with what generally brings you happiness. Those friends, hobbies, and places that you have always loved but which you were too busy and too occupied to pay attention to before. Surround yourself with the people, places, and things that bring you some sort of comfort or peace. Doing this will accomplish many things for you, one of which just may be improving your interactions with your husband because you are calmer when you approach him.

Don’t Feel That Every Response Or Next Action Needs To Be Immediate: When you are counting your marriage by the day, it is understandable that you are going to feel rushed. However, many wives make the mistake of allowing this to make them feel as if everything about this situation is so immediate. So, if their husband sends them a questionable text or email, they will hit respond and fire off an overly emotional or even nasty response before they even have a chance to think about it. Always give yourself enough time to make the best decision. Don’t appear so desperate and so invested that you can’t even allow a few minutes to go by before you respond.

You actually want to slow the pace of this whole process down rather than speed it up. And taking some time to think through what you are going to do or say will often make your message much more appropriate and well-received. Don’t be carried away due to limited time constraints. Take a breath and slow down.

Don’t Always Assume The Worst Case Scenario: Many wives assume that their husband’s exit from their lives is a done deal. It’s not uncommon for people to get back together before the divorce is final. It’s not even all that uncommon for people to remarry after their divorce is final. You never really know what tomorrow brings. Things may look bad or even dire right now, but the future may pleasantly surprise you.

Often, if you can take the calm, rational, and helpful approach, you will find that your husband will follow your lead. Sometimes, he will even pause and wonder what brought about your change in attitude. Sometimes, this even means he reaches out to you or tries to spend more time with you to see what is behind this. These are all very positive things.

I know that being calm in the face of a divorce is a very difficult thing for anyone to ask. But if you think about it rationally. What is the alternative? To freak out and do or say things that are only going to make this situation worse? Make your husband think that you are overly emotional, unstable, or not pleasant to be around so that he can’t divorce you fast enough? You don’t want any of these things, of course. And calming down can be a low price to pay for slowing the pace and eventually improving your situation.

If you have to, you can create some physical distance. In my own case, I went home and visited my parents and my old friends. This changed my state of mind, and my husband was able to see this. Not only that, but he became curious about the changes he was seeing. And this was the beginning of my turning things around and saving my marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com