What Causes A Lack Of Affection In A Marriage? How Can I Fix It?

By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common emails I get from readers goes something like this: “My husband used to be affectionate, but now he barely touches me. He says he loves me, but it feels like we’re roommates.”

It’s heartbreaking. And confusing. Especially when the spouse who’s pulling away insists nothing is wrong. They’ll often say things like, “We’ve been married forever, you can’t expect us to act like newlyweds.” Or, “You know I love you. I’m here, aren’t I? Why do I have to keep proving it?”

That kind of response can make the partner who’s craving affection feel needy or unreasonable. But here’s the truth: affection (both physical and emotional) is a vital part of most healthy marriages. When one spouse feels starved of it, the whole relationship can begin to suffer.

I don’t recommend ignoring this or just hoping it goes away. Let’s talk about why affection can fade—and what you can realistically do to bring it back.

Why Marriages Sometimes Lose Affection: In rare cases, one spouse was never very affectionate to begin with. But most of the time, the affection was there in the early days. Maybe your spouse couldn’t keep their hands off you back then, and now they barely notice when you walk in the room.

It’s very easy to assume this means they don’t love you anymore, or that they don’t find you attractive. And when you feel rejected, it’s natural to shut down too—nobody wants to be the only one reaching. Unfortunately, that retreat just widens the gap.

What I see more often is that life gets in the way. Kids, stressful jobs, financial worries, or just the grind of daily responsibilities can dull even the most loving spouse’s attentiveness. People grow complacent. They think, “Of course my partner knows I love them. Why do I need to keep proving it?”

The problem is, most of us do need those daily reassurances. They keep us connected. Without them, doubt creeps in, intimacy weakens, and the cycle of distance grows.

The Connection Between Intimacy and Affection: When you feel emotionally close to your spouse, affection usually flows naturally. Think back to when you first fell in love: you still had jobs, obligations, and stresses. But the relationship was a top priority, so you carved out the time and energy for affection.

That created a positive cycle. The more you connected, the more affection you shared. The more affection, the stronger the bond felt. When that cycle breaks down, it’s usually because priorities have shifted or the connection has weakened.

The good news? You can often restart the cycle.

How to Bring Affection Back Into Your Marriage: Here’s what not to do: nag, criticize, or guilt your spouse into giving affection. Affection works best when it’s wanted, not demanded. You don’t want your partner to kiss you because they feel pressured. You want them to kiss you because they feel connected and want to.

One surprisingly effective approach is to lead with the behavior you’re hoping to receive. If you want more hugs, start offering them freely. If you miss holding hands, reach for your spouse’s hand. Then, when they respond – even a little – offer warmth and appreciation. This positive reinforcement can help restart that affection cycle.

If your efforts fall flat, ask yourself: Is the deeper connection between us suffering? Sometimes the real issue isn’t about hugs or kisses—it’s about the emotional distance underneath. Work on rebuilding closeness in small ways: quality time, honest conversations, or simply listening without distraction. As the bond strengthens, affection often follows naturally.

My Own Lesson Learned: I’ll be honest: when my husband first pulled away, I handled it badly. I pouted. I complained. I made sarcastic comments. All of it only drove him further away. It wasn’t until I stopped focusing on what he wasn’t doing, and started focusing on what I could give, that things began to turn around.

Once I shifted my approach, affection slowly came back – along with the intimacy and connection I’d been missing. It wasn’t instant, but it worked.

If you’re in this situation, know that you’re not alone. Affection often fades in long marriages, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. With the right mindset and approach, you can usually rekindle it—and in the process, strengthen your marriage more than you thought possible.

 You can read more of my personal story (including what almost cost me my marriage) on my blog: http://isavedmymarriage.com.