Why Would My Husband Want Me To Throw Him Out Of The House?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are strongly considering a separation, but who are also torn about the idea. So sometimes, the husband will do something to incite the wife to take the action that will push him out. That way, he doesn’t need to feel guilty and he can feel justified in his actions. One example of this is trying to get the wife to kick him out of the house. The wife may not understand why he’s taking this type of passive aggressive stance. She might say: “my husband has talked about a separation for the past eight weeks. I am pretty sure that he went and saw an attorney. And I know that he is looking at apartments. So it’s clear that he wants to move out and to separate. I have made it clear that although this is not what I want, I don’t intend to fight him on it. However, he seems reluctant to make a move. Instead, he picks fights with me and then when I get angry he will say ‘well, are you going to kick me out of the house, then?’ The other day when I was walking my dogs, my neighbor stopped me and said she was sorry to hear about my difficulties at home. When I asked her what she was talking about, she confessed that my husband had told her own husband that I was in the process of kicking him out of the house. None of this is true. I’m pretty certain that he is the one who wants to leave, but he seems to make me want to take the initiative to throw him out. Why?”
Perhaps He’s Looking For Justification And A Way To Ease His Conscience: I am not an attorney, so I won’t be looking at this from a legal angle and I can only guess at your husband’s motivations. But sometimes, the husband doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy who moves out and abandons his wife, so it is easier for him psychologically if he feels “pushed out” so that it will appear like he had less of a choice. This makes you the bad guy. And gives him a little justification to balance out the guilt.
He May Just Be Looking For Reassurance: Another possibility is that he is trying to incite fights in the hope that you will reassure him that you love him and that his moving out isn’t what you want. For whatever reason, people will sometimes try to push for exactly the opposite of what they want in the hopes that their spouse will make a dramatic plea to change their mind. Deep down, saving the marriage is what your spouse wants, but he wants to save face and doesn’t necessarily want to be the one who says this.
Whatever the reason, you certainly don’t have to kick him out if this is not what you want to do. No one can make you do it. And if you think it helps, you can try a response like: “No, I don’t intend to kick you out because I am not the one who wants to separate. I thought that I had been pretty clear on that. If you decide that you want to go, then that will be your decision alone. I don’t like having conflict between us, but I’d rather stay put and try to work out our conflict rather than running away. But that is just the way that I feel about it. You will have to decide your own stance. I can tell you that I would be willing to do whatever it takes to heal this, but whether you want to accept that and work with me is up to you. If you’re waiting for me to kick you out so that you feel justified in leaving, know that it isn’t going to happen. I want it to work between us, so I have no motivation to want for you to live somewhere else.”
This will accomplish two things for you. You’ll have made it clear that no matter how long he waits or what drama he tries to pull, you aren’t going to give him what it appears that he wants – at least in terms of kicking him out. And, just in case he’s trying to use reverse psychology and entice you to beg him to stay, you’ve stopped short of that but have reassured him that you want to work it out. You’ve covered the bases that you can and so you have to hope that he gets the message and stops with all of the posturing.
He can’t make you force him out. You can choose to stand your ground and then he will be left with the decision as to whether he truly wants to leave. When and if he makes that decision, it will be his alone and he will have to own it. My husband did decide to leave and I certainly did not kick him out. Reconciling was really hard, until I learned how to evaluate what worked and what didn’t. Once I figured that out, saving my marriage became a possibility and then a reality. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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