Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you would have told me at the start of my martial separation that I was really lucky to have it, I never would have believed you. In my mind, the separation was one of the worst experiences of my life – and was the opposite of lucky.

However, once I started sharing this experience, I heard from many folks who were never given the reprieve of the separation. Their husband went right to wanting a divorce. Some of them had very little warning. And while I know from experience that facing a separation can feel very dire and immediate, knowing that you’re facing a divorce must feel much more so.

I do hear from many wives going through this and most of them want to know if there is any way at all to change their husband’s mind. Understandably, many of them come from quite a desperate place and many will fully admit that they are willing to try just about anything to bring about a change.

An example is a situation like this one: “I am in a serious panic because last night my husband told me to expect divorce papers within the next week. I am not totally shocked, but I had really hoped that he would agree to counseling before he filed. I had really hoped that he would give us one last chance to work out our problems. But he did neither. As upset as I am at him for all of this, I want my marriage back. And I know that in order to do that, I have got to change his mind. What things can I do that will actually work? I know that this is almost going to take a miracle, but I am willing to try anything. At this point, what do I have to lose?”

I can certainly tell you some of the things that I see work and that I see not work. But of course, everything is subjective. What works for one person may not work for another and vice verse. I don’t know your husband or the background involved, so know that this is just a general list with general suggestions. Use your own knowledge of the situation to come up with the best plan. First, I’ll talk about the things that I see not only not working, but actually making things worse.

Things That Rarely Work:

Showing Him Very Negative Aspects Of Yourself: I know first hand that it is almost impossible to remain calm and positive when you are so fearful. But many of us act in ways that we find downright embarrassing later. If you give in to this temptation, you might find that your husband is thinking ‘boy, I got out just in time. Who wants to be married to someone like that – so angry and accusatory all of the time?’

Trying To Make Him Feel Like He’s Done Something Wrong Or Should Feel Badly: One of the most common strategies used in this situation is to try to make your husband feel as if he is wrong. (And I used this with disastrous results.) Wives either try to make him believe that he did not read the situation accurately or that he is asking too much.

When this doesn’t work, many will try to come at this another way. They will try to make him feel badly about the whole thing. They’ll try to make him feel pity or guilt. But what you don’t realize at the time is that even if you are successful in making him feel all of these things, he is more likely to want to escape. When something that you do makes someone feel bad about the situation or themselves, then they are likely to limit their contact with you.

And when your husband wants to limit his contact, he may want the divorce that much more. I know that you may think if he feels badly, he may take pity on you and stay. But I find this to be rare. He will often feel pity, but he will want to escape rather than stay. Which actually makes things worse for you instead of making them better what you.

The same is true for trying to elicit other negative emotions like jealousy. The bottom line is that it is human nature to want to escape negative emotions. And his wanting to escape means a faster divorce.

Here are some things that I find much more likely to work than those things listed above.

Showing Him Real Change That Can Be Believed: It is just common sense that if you remove whatever is making him want to end the marriage, then he may drop the divorce. However, this is not as easy as it sounds. Often, when I ask wives why their husband is unhappy with the marriage, many of them will reply that they don’t really know. Many of them generally know that he is unhappy and that is about it.

This is a situation where you really do have to know your husband quite well. You have to use your knowledge of him and the clues that he has likely been giving you. And if you evaluate this as best as you can and are still coming up short, then you can at least try to improve your current interactions with him.

You likely already know the types of behavior and actions he responds positively to. Now is the time to use the knowledge that you’ve acquired during the relationship.

Inspiring Him To Remember The Positive Things About You And Your Marriage: One of the cruelest ironies of this is that never has it been so important for you to make a lasting and positive impression on your husband and never has it been so hard to do so.

When everything is going well and your love is the focus, it’s very easy to be sweet and loving. But when things are this awful, it’s far more easier to lash out and show your fear than it is to show the best parts of yourself. I know it is asking a lot to show him your dignity, your integrity, and your strength in the face of all of this.

But that is exactly the best thing to do. Because doing this makes him remember who and what you were. And that is the thing that is most likely to make him reconsider. If he can remember how good it used to be, then it is much easier for him to question if he really wants to let it go.

I know the things that do work only because I tried the things that didn’t work and almost got divorced as a result.  I was able to rebound and clean up the messes I made.  We reconciled, but not before a lot of painful time had passed.  You can read more on my blog here.

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