Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s natural to watch your spouse very closely when you are separated. Unfortunately, you will sometimes not get to spend as much time with him as you might like. So, when you do have the opportunity to talk with or see your spouse, you are usually watching with intense scrutiny so that you notice small nuances and changes. Unfortunately, some of the time, these changes can seem to be negative or worrisome.

Someone might explain: “some of my friends say that I am reading too much into this, but I believe that my husband has changed a great deal during our trial separation. My husband has always been a very sweet, sensitive, and loving man. I would have described him as gentle and kind. Those are the things that I loved about him. He was never into appearances or about caring what people thought of him. Just before our separation, my husband lost a coworker and friend to whom he was very close. He said that this was a life-changing experience for him, because it made him realize that life can be taken away in the blink of an eye. And that life is meant to be lived fully and without regrets. Shortly after he had this epiphany, he decided to separate from me. Now when my husband and I are together (which isn’t that often,) he is rushed. He is borderline rude. He’s checking social media and is ‘tuned into’ his electronics – which is something that he used to hate in other people. He talks more than listens – which has never been like him.  He’s always concerned with how he is being perceived, which is weird.  I was hesitant to bring this up to him, but I felt like I should. So I told him that he was not acting like himself. He said that maybe I was right, but that he was tired of being a ‘pushover’ and he was going to be more aggressive about getting what he wanted out of life. I’m concerned about these changes for a couple of reasons. First of all, I hate seeing this personality change because I can’t imagine that my husband is nearly as happy acting this way. But also, I want my marriage back and I worry that his new attitude is going to keep this from happening. Third, I miss the old him. Will he revert back to his old self eventually? Is there anything that I can do to hurry the process, other than continuing to bring this to his attention?”

I am not sure that you should keep bringing it to his attention. If it seems as if you keep coming back to this, your husband may become frustrated and limit your access to him. He may pretend or hide his true feelings when he interacts with you. Or, he may become defensive. You have already told him how you feel, so I think that the better tactic might be to approach him with patience and understanding. He may be more open to what you have to say that way.

Also, have you considered that his shift in attitude may have something to do with the fact that he could be hurting and reeling over the loss of his friend? I’m certainly not a therapist and I’d encourage you to run this by one. (And if your husband would agree to seeing one, that would be ideal.) But, it seems to me that it’s not uncommon to see people close off or to detach from more sensitive emotions as a defense mechanism. They often are not aware of this and they do it as a way to limit the hurt and the loss that they feel.

This may be part of what you are seeing. And you also have to consider that not only has his life been disrupted and turned upside down by losing his friend, he now has limited access to you – who has to be an important support system. So, he may be trying on new personas to see if any of them make him feel better. And I think that’s why it can be important to be careful about how you approach him. If he sees you as another source of pain, he will limit your ability to help him.

So you may want to offer your support with the hope that he will open up in time and that he will drop the abrasive exterior as he begins to heal. You might try something like: “I know I’ve already brought up the changes that I notice in you. I only want to briefly say that I am here if you need to talk. I know that we are separated, but that doesn’t stop me from caring and wanting to be there for you. I just wanted for you to be aware of that.”

Then, I would just watch and wait. He may well come to you. Or he may continue on, at least for a little while. The thing is, as hard as this may be to watch, you can’t “make” someone change their behavior by telling them they are wrong or pointing out the problems with how they are acting. This will only only reinforce the behavior. So sometimes the most effective thing to do is to try to give your support and your patience.  And to know that the loving, sensitive person you know and love with hopefully return once he sorts out the difficulties he’s been going through. A therapist could help him do this, if he is willing.

My husband could be quite mean during our separation.  I used to fear that I (or our separation) brought out the worst in him.  But I think that we were both struggling at that time.  Neither of us were at our very best, which is understandable. If it helps, you can read about the whole mess on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin