Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives that confess that their worst fear (and the day that they dread the most) is the time when their husband walks out of their door, bags in hand, determined to leave them or the marriage.

It’s no wonder that many of us will do almost anything in order to avoid this. Some have confessed that they have literally stood in front of the door in an attempt to physically block him from leaving the home. Some of us will also try psychological measures in an attempt to do anything that we possibly can to keep him from walking out of the door.

And the reason for this is that many of us assume that as soon as his foot steps over the threshold and begins to walk away, then it’s going to be over. He’s literally going to close the door on our marriage and shut us out of his life. We assume that once he leaves the home, we won’t ever have a chance at a reconciliation.

A wife might say: “for weeks, I begged my husband not to leave our home. He’s been pushing for a separation. I told him that I would give him space without him needing to leave. I was willing to do this even though I knew that it would be very hard for me. But I would rather make the sacrifice to give him his space than to watch him leave our home and leave my life. The thing is, I’ve had several friends and family members who had one spouse leave. None of them are together today. Some of them separated before they divorced, but none of them reconciled. So him leaving was my worst case scenario. And the worst happened. Last night, he actually left. With two bags of clothing and belongings. And he is living with a single male colleague who will drag him out to bars every night. Some of my friends are telling me that I should not automatically assume the worst, but I can not seem to help it. In my mind, when a man leaves, there’s no reconciliation. Am I right?”

It might actually make you happy to hear me say that you are wrong. Plenty of couples reconcile after one spouse leaves, myself included. Do all couples reconcile? No, absolutely not.  But, some do.

Sometimes, when a husband leaves, he does have every intention of not coming back and also of ending his marriage. Sometimes, this intention comes true. And sometimes, things happen that encourage him to change his mind.

You might be wondering what you can begin to do in the hopes of him changing his mind. Well, I don’t know your husband. But I know that in my own experience, my clinging, begging, guilting, and manipulating actually made my husband want to extend the separation and consider a divorce.

I felt the need to do these things because I felt the need to get a quick resolution. Every day without my husband just made me more sure that I was going to lose him.  But the cycle of this started to weigh on me. And I told myself that, just for a little bit, I was going to back off.

I never intended for the “backing off” to be any real long-term strategy. It was just for my own well-being during that tiny slice of time. But as I did it, I noticed that my husband’s attitude toward me slowly began to change.

Because I wasn’t always bothering him, he could be receptive to me without worrying about how I was going to hang on his every reaction. This allowed the atmosphere between us to change.

I’m not implying that you need to back off. I can’t possibly know that. I’m just sharing my experience and I know that there is a tendency to cling very tightly out of fear when your husband initially leaves.

And if your belief is that no one ever reconciles after someone leaves the home, then there must be a lot of fear right now. Try not to let the fear control you. People do reconcile. And I believe that your chances of a reconciliation are a little better if you don’t act on your fear and you don’t panic.

I think it helps to believe that a reconciliation is possible. And it also helps to get the advice of a professional (if possible and if your spouse is open to this.) If not, you can either go on your own or you can read some self help that might help you to keep perspective and to cultivate a positive attitude.

When my own husband and I were separated, I almost always noticed that he was more receptive to me when my attitude was positive. Sometimes, my attitude happened by accident. But once I noticed this, I couldn’t deny that it helped things and so I tried to make it happen on purpose as much as possible.

I know it’s hard to put on a smile when you feel so scared. but try to see it this way. Even unpleasant things are easier to deal with if you face them with courage and optimism. There is no reason to make a bad situation worse by facing it with fear and pessimism.

As I said, my husband left our home and we did eventually reconcile.  It took a while.  It wasn’t always an easy process.  It was painful.  But it ended.  We did reconcile.  So I don’t think that you always have to assume the worst.  You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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