Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common for spouses who are separated but who still want to save their marriage to look for any good signs or positive vibes from their separated spouse.

Say for example, their spouse asks them out for coffee. They wonder if this is a date or if they are reading too much into this. Or, if their spouse asks them to accompany him to an important event, they wonder how much importance they should give this. But what if their spouse asks them to spend an extended amount of time together, like going on a vacation together? What does that mean? And, should they accept?

I might hear from a wife who says: “the first three weeks of our separation were terrible. My husband wouldn’t take my calls. He didn’t seem to want to talk to me at all. Then, at one of my children’s school events, we sat together as a family. And things seemed to change dramatically after this. My husband started calling me. He asked if we could eat out together as a family after church on Sunday afternoons. I felt good about this, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too far for fear that he would start to reject me again. But I always saw him when he asked to see me and things continued to go well. Last week, my husband mentioned that his company is sending him to a seminar an hour away from where his parents live. He’s going to spend some time with his parents on the weekends and he asked if I wanted to go with him and bring our kids. He said that he knows that his parents would love to see their grandchildren and he says that we can hit the beach and probably have a good time. I am likely going to go because I feel that it is the right thing to do as a family. But I wonder what it means? Is it a good sign or is he only asking me to go because he knows he will be at seminars and he needs someone to watch the kids during the day? Am I reading too much into this? Should I just not go?”

I do believe that this is an encouraging sign. If the husband really did not want his wife to go but was only motivated by allowing his parents to see his children, he could always hire a sitter or even have his parents watch the children during the day. I wouldn’t think that a man would invite his separated wife on a vacation for baby sitting services only.

I can’t possibly know what the husband was thinking here, but it seems that the most likely scenario was that he saw that things were going well with his family and he wanted to take the next step. It was possible that he was using the vacation as a kind of test to see if the couple could get along and connect without the stressors of daily life.

If you are comfortable and excited about the idea of going, then I don’t see any reason to turn down the invitation. I understand your concerns though and I would have some additional ones.

My biggest concern would be that things would be awkward between you during this extended period of time. It sounded like the couple had only been together for very small chunks of time over Sunday dinner, so it was possible that they would struggle a bit with the awkwardness when they were together for longer periods.

And then there are tricky issues like how will you present yourself to his parents? Where do you sleep? Is this is romantic trip? Or a family trip that isn’t meant to be romantic? These are all issues that can potentially trip you up.

I don’t tell you these things to create anxiety. The last thing that I want is for you to be anxious. If you can set it up so that you and your husband can have a carefree, good time, then this may have serious implications for a reconciliation. I am bringing these things up so that you can hopefully think about and address them so that they do not become problems later.

Try very hard to make this a fun, light hearted time that isn’t filled with pressure. You want to avoid negative thoughts. For instance, if one day doesn’t go as you planned you don’t want to think something like: “oh this is hopeless. If we can’t even get along on vacation, then how are we ever going to reconcile?”  And you don’t want to think things like: “this is my one and only chance.  I have to make this the vacation of a life time or all is lost.”

Tell yourself that you are going to have a good time and to bond as a family and try not to read everything into this. Many separated wives would give anything to have this opportunity. So I would encourage to make the most of it. But I would also encourage you to dial down the pressure and to just focus on having a good time without questioning everything. If you can do this successfully, then the rest really should take care of itself.

Honestly, if my separated husband had invited me on vacation, I would have jumped at the chance.  I probably would have put too much pressure on the situation and sabotaged it though, which would have been unfortunate.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I went from separated to reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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