Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It can be very difficult dealing with the problem at hand when your husband announces that he wants to separate or leave you.  It feels so much better when that same husband changes his mind a few days later.  The relief can be hard to describe.  But sometimes, this relief is somewhat short-lived.  Because after the relief, the doubt sets in.  You can begin to wonder when your husband was most truthful about his feelings – when he wanted to leave?  Or when he wanted to stay?  And you can worry that the next time he gets angry, he’ll want to leave all over again.

You may talk to friends or family members about this, only to be told that you’re being paranoid or that you’re being silly not to just let it go.  Someone might describe it this way: “I know that I should not really be complaining about my situation. I had a very close call with my husband.  He literally packed his bags and told me that he wanted a separation and that he was leaving me.  I begged him not to. So he said that he would wait for the weekend.  For the past six months, we have done nothing but fight.  I think most of this has to do with money, but also my husband shows a lack of respect to me sometimes and then I get angry and lash out at him.  Anyway, by the weekend, things had calmed down.  He still wasn’t speaking to me though, but he did not leave.  Things are not great between us to say the least.  But I’m relieved that he did not leave me. However, I just can’t relax about this.  Some of my friends say that my husband just lost his temper and that I should move on.  They say that this is a one-time thing.  I’m not so sure.  Our marriage truly is bad lately.  And I worry that he still wants to leave, but is looking to save some money first.  It frustrates me that I don’t know how he really feels.”

I understand what you are feeling.  I have to say that had my husband decided not to leave before my own separation took place, I would probably have felt what you are feeling now.  But my separation did happen. So I can tell you that as frustrated as you feel, your situation is potentially better than if he had actually left.  It’s difficult to save your marriage when you are not living together, although it’s certainly not impossible.

What Your Husband Might Be Thinking: I can speculate as to what your husband might be thinking, but you may be a better judge than I. When a man indicates that he wants to leave but then stops short of doing so, I think it’s probably fair to say that although he’s frustrated and he badly wants for things to change, something is keeping him at home.  Often, this “something” is that he doesn’t want to break the commitment of his marriage.  Or he still loves his wife, although he desperately wishes that his marriage was better.

Often the whole, “I’m going to move out” or the “I think that we should be separated” stance is an attempt to get your attention.  He’s trying to shake you up and shock you enough so that you hear what he is saying.

He may have stayed because he saw some first glimpses of change, or he is hoping that this is going to be the case soon.

Understand The Advantage That You Have And Proceed From There: So where does this leave you? Well, it seems pretty obvious that your marriage is still important to you.  As frustrating and as scary as this all is, I think it’s important to realize what you do, in fact, have going for you.  He is still there.  You have an advantage in that.  You have an opportunity to try to work on your marriage when the other party is still close by and is still a captive audience.

So I would suggest taking a long and hard look at what has contributed to the decline in your marriage.  And then I would look at the circumstances that surround your fights.  What is the trigger?  Is there ever a point where things could have been turned around if one person had been brave enough to turn the tide?

Becoming A Careful Observer: I know that I’m asking you to change your role a bit. I’m asking you to be a careful observer because I have found that this can make all of the difference. Some people have trouble doing this – and in that case, a third party or counselor can usually observe what is going on and help you with a plan to turn it around.

I know that this situation is not ideal.  I know that it feels scary and awful.  But you are not yet out of the game.  You have a chance to fix this BEFORE he leaves.  Not every one has this opportunity and it truly can be an advantage that is much better than the alternative.

I would have given anything if my husband had stopped short of actually leaving.  I’m sure that saving our marriage would have been difficult either way.  But saving it when you don’t have constant access to your husband has its own set of challenges.  You can read about how I ultimately did it on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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