Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Everyone who has even dealt with a martial separation knows that it is very challenging. And this is true even when communication is open and frequent. This is also true even when you knew that the separation was coming. But, when there was very little warning that a separation was approaching and your spouse won’t communicate after it occurs, this can make an already hard situation that much more difficult.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “I am not going to tell you that I had the perfect marriage because I didn’t. We definitely had our problems. We always argued about money. My husband expected me to live like a pauper, so much so that any time that I spent money, I’d had to do it on the sly. And when he caught me, he would act as if I did something awful, even if I only bought a dvd or pair or shorts or something. That is our main issue. We also argue about his meddling mother, but the money issue is by far our biggest problem. So we got our bank statement last Wednesday. I stayed late at work because I knew that I was going to come home to an argument. Instead of coming home to an argument, I came home to an empty house. There wasn’t any note, but there were clothes scattered across the bed and his suitcase was gone along with many of his clothing and personal possessions. I suspected that he was at his brother’s so I called over there. His brother confirmed that he was there but informed me that my husband didn’t want to talk to me. I gave it a couple of days and then I called again. I got the same response. I was told that my husband had nothing to say to me. So I started texting and emailing. No response. I know exactly why my husband is so mad at me. He thinks that I spent money that we don’t have. But I’m stunned that he seems to be intent on doing this whole separation without speaking. I know that I can’t really force him to talk to me, but what happens if we just continue not speaking? Is there anything that I can do to make him talk to me so that we can work through this?”

I know that this hurts and that this is very frustrating. But I have to expect that at some point, you will have to speak. Because although he might chose to remain silent for the short term, one would think that eventually, he is going to have to decide on a course of action and communicate the same with you. I have no way of knowing whether he was serious enough about this that he would take is so far as to initiate a divorce. But it is hard to believe that, if he was, he would do all of this without speaking to you.

What May Be Happening: I think that the more likely scenario is two fold. First, he probably needs and wants some time to calm down. Perhaps he is afraid of saying something that he will regret. Or, he isn’t yet sure where he’s going to go from here and he doesn’t see the point in having a discussion until he has some clarity. Also, he may want to keep quiet to drive the point home as to how upset he is. Regardless, any of these scenarios eventually come to a natural end where there will come a time where it is appropriate to talk.

What You Can Do Right Now: In the meantime, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with reaching out to him and letting him know that when he is ready to have a conversation, then you are more than willing to do so. But I think that this wife was right to have patience and to not attempt to force the conversation. Because when you force this onto a reluctant spouse, what you will often get is an argument rather than the productive conversation that you really want.

My suggestion would be to try to just leave a quick note or email saying something like: “I do understand why you angry right now and that you don’t want to talk. I respect your need for time and space, but I will also be ready and willing to talk with you when you are ready to do so. There are some things that I’d like to say, but I would also like to listen. I don’t want for you storming out and then refusing to talk to me to be the last memory that we have together. I know that emotions are high right now. But that won’t last forever. So when things calm down, I hope that we can sit down and begin to work through this. I’m more than willing to change some of my habits and to work with you to overcome this. But as I said, I respect your need for silence right now and I will wait to hear from you.”

Believe it or not, sometimes just showing him this respect and your willingness to give him time will bring about the conversation a little earlier. But this wife was right not to push. Because if you push, you will likely argue and make this worse. And that isn’t really what you want. Getting a reaction isn’t worth it if the cost is a worsening situation. Instead, you want to have patience and calm so that you are able to make the situation better.

I know that it may not seem like it, but you do have one advantage.  You know what the core issue is.  This isn’t always true.  And, knowing the details of the issue gives you ammunition to fix it.  When he does begin to talk to you, make sure that you make it clear that you’re willing to not only work on this issue, but remove it altogether.  Ignoring the core issue while you are separated is the worst thing that you can do.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I handled my separation  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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