Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your husband leaves, you often try to console yourself with the fact that tomorrow is another day. You tell yourself that perhaps in time, you can fix this and the two of you can reconcile. The hope is that you will both eventually calm down, miss each other, and fix what is broken. This is not impossible. This scenario does happen some of the time. It’s actually not that unusual.

But some husbands will tell you that this scenario is impossible. Some are either so angry or so distant that they are determined to slash any hope that you might feel. A wife might say: “my husband has been very angry with and disappointed in me for almost a year. I made a stupid mistake and lost my job. I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I have never done anything disrespectful to him. I took my job for granted and took short cuts. This was found out and losing my job was very irresponsible of me and caused my husband and myself to completely struggle financially. It’s caused a lot of stress. I worked very hard to get another job, but the one I have pays no where near what the other one did. My husband was in school and he had to cut back on his schooling because of finances. We fought all of the time because of this. I should have been more apologetic. I realize this now. But he left me last weekend. I let him calm down for a couple of days, but when we finally talked, I asked him if there was any eventual chance for us. He says that he doesn’t think that he can ever love me again. He said that there is too much bad blood between us now. He says that he just wants a fresh start and to start over in his life. This has devastated me. I can’t believe that he would stop loving me over a change in my job and financial situation. So he only loved me because of my earning capacity? Things used to be so good between us. I can’t believe how far we have fallen. Is a man ever wrong about his ability to love you again? I find myself rejecting what he is saying and still trying to hold out hope that eventually, he could find some love for me once again. Is this even possible? Or am I just fooling myself?”

That’s hard for me to say. But I can tell you that my husband pretty much represented the same thing to me at one time – that he didn’t think that there was much hope. And yet, we are still married today and we eventually reconciled. It took much longer than I would have liked. But it did eventually happen.

I can also tell you that money is the most common reason that people have marital problems. In this case, the money is an issue, but there’s also the issue of your husband thinking that you didn’t put your family’s financial position high enough on your priority list. He may have perceived this as irresponsible.

So the goal would be to eventually show him your commitment level to your family and to demonstrate a commitment to being financially responsible in the future. Of course, in order to show this, you will need access to him. This often increases as time passes. I know that things are fresh right now. But sometimes, with the passage of time, things calm down and your husband becomes more receptive to what you have to say.

As far as the love coming back, that is usually quite gradual as well. But it does happen.  Once the situation improves, the feelings come back (or never left in the first place.) It generally takes spending a good deal of time together over a gradual period of time. At first, things might be awkward and strained. But the more time that you get under your belt, the easier it becomes.

I know that you might be tempted to just tell him that you’ve abruptly changed or to push for a quick reconciliation. But this will often backfire. It is usually to your benefit to lay a foundation first. Otherwise, your husband will doubt your sincerity and no real change can take place.

I can’t predict the future. Some couples do not reconcile, but many do. Sometimes the love does not return. But there are plenty of times when it does. This is up to you, but I think that it may be very early in the game to give up. It seems that you are still invested in your marriage, so I don’t think there is any harm in seeing what might happen in the days to come.

You may find your husband being more receptive in the future. If he is, then that is your chance to show him a woman who is very committed and serious about her future. (And you can show him this in the meantime, even if he is not yet receptive.) Always look for your chance to show him that you are committed to putting changes and growth in place. And now is your chance the lay the foundation for open communication in your marriage so that conflict doesn’t need to derail you into the future.

As I alluded to, I’m sure my husband thought that he didn’t love me anymore when we separated.  And yet, the love returned and we are still together.  You don’t have to give up hope.  Some couples do reconcile.  It is not impossible.  Sometimes you just have to learn how to play the game.  And play it well.  You can read more about my experience on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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