Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you’re separated and you can’t help but notice that the phone rarely rings to interrupt the loneliness, you might find yourself doing what you said that you would never do – being up for almost anything when your separated spouse calls.

Even if you are angry with him or have vowed to let him have his space so that he has to come to you, those promises that you made to yourself might fly right out of the window when he comes calling.  Because the loneliness and the fear are starting to win.

Someone might lament: “some of my friends are telling me that I am too available to my separated husband.  I admit that I jump when he calls.  I admit that I have canceled plans with friends when he calls me at the last minute to do something. I admit that I completely let him off the hook with no consequences whatsoever when he bails on me.  But I do not feel that I am in any position to be picky or unavailable.  He doesn’t call and ask me to go to places all that often.  So when I do get a call or an invitation, I answer immediately and I agree to go.  I had to cancel on some girlfriends last Friday because of this.  They told me that I am simply ‘too available’ to my separated husband.  They say when he calls, I come running.  They say that he isn’t being very considerate to me and he certainly doesn’t seem to respect me since he seems to know that he can call at the last minute and I’m going to drop what I’m doing.  I do feel bad when I bail on my friends.  But I am afraid that if I turn him down, he’ll stop calling or inviting me places.  Are they right?  Am I too available?”

That’s really hard to say.  I can suggest some questions that you can ask yourself to help you determine if you are too available on your own terms.  But that is something that no one can classify but you.

Are You Truly Dropping Everything When He Calls?:  You want to ask yourself if each time he’s called and invited you somewhere, have you truly canceled on someone else each and every time?  Have you felt guilty or bad about having to do this because deep in your heart, you’ve known it’s wrong?

Is He Showing You A Lack Of Respect With His Requests?:  Sometimes, things truly do come up at the last minute and your husband has no choice but to give you a last minute request.  Perhaps tickets came through at the last second or someone else canceled on him with no notice.  These things do happen sometimes.  But it’s a red flag if his invitations are always last minute, as though you were his last resort instead of his first choice.

That is when you have to ask yourself if you’re seeing a lack of respect on his part.  If he could have given you advanced notice but didn’t, you want to ask yourself if you are allowing him to see you as his back up plan.  If you notice that things aren’t really improving after this last minute outings (and he isn’t getting any better about that advanced notice) then you want to ask yourself if you’re truly getting anything out of this in the long run.

Do You Feel That These Interactions Are Really Improving Things Between You?  Or Do You Feel Used?:  Is your husband only reaching out to you when he needs or wants something and then he goes right back to being distant again?  Or are you truly gaining some ground?  Does he only call you when he needs to vent or wants an ego boost? Or is he asking after your own well being and just wants to hear your voice?  It’s important to ask yourself why this is happening.  If he just misses you and wants to reach out regardless of etiquette, that’s different than him reaching out only when he feels lonely.

Turning The Tide If You Feel Taken Advantage Of:  If this trend really bothers you or you feel taken advantage of, it’s important to address this so that things don’t deteriorate.  The next time he calls you at the last possible second, you might want to say something like: “I would love to, but I already have plans.  If you had asked me at the beginning of the week before I made plans, I would definitely go. Can I take a rain check?  What about next week?”

This way, you are still planning the outing.  You could still go next week, but you are training him to give you advanced notice and to be more respectful.  I had to do this during my own separation. I used to pretty much be a door mat – just waiting for my husband at the expense of my own life.  It made me feel used.  Eventually, I started letting him call me more and I no longer canceled on my friends when he would call at the last second.  This was extremely scary.  I thought that the second I turned him down or delayed him, I would not get a second chance.  The fear was that he would simply stop asking.

That didn’t happen, though.  Instead, he actually pursued me more and I felt more in control.  I had my self respect back.  This put me in a position of strength instead of a position of weakness and it truly did make a difference. There’s more to the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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