Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who have noticed something very troubling within their marriage. Unfortunately, it has become obvious to them that their spouse is withholding his love and affection. This can lead to worry that he no longer loves them, is unhappy, and will eventually want a separation or divorce.

To that end, I might hear a comment like: “for the last three weeks, my husband hasn’t touched me at all. I know that he is angry at me. We have been fighting over money for the last year because my company downsized so I am not doing more work for less money. So my husband is very big on substantially lowering our expenses. I understand this, but I haven’t bought one thing for myself for the past three months. Last month, I was at the mall and they were having a big sale on bedding. I bought a comforter at a deep discount. My husband was furious with me because there was nothing wrong with our old comforter. Ever since that day, he hasn’t shown me one ounce of affection. He will talk to me if I ask him something, but otherwise he does not initiate a conversation. He hasn’t kissed me or held my hand or even acknowledged that I exist really. When he talks to me at all, it is to tell me that he feels that I am working against him rather than with him and he feels that perhaps I’m never going to get with the program. He says that he is not going to continue to stay with me if I am going to bankrupt him. I am so worried about this. I’m sorry for what I did. I admit that we really didn’t need the comforter.  Our existing comforter was only a year old.  And I’m so upset thinking that his withholding his affection is a sign that he wants a separation or a divorce and is going to leave me. Will he?”

Unfortunately, I can not see into the future. Only the husband knew exactly what he was thinking about his marriage at this moment in time. Plus, I didn’t know if the conflict was a new one or if withholding affection or complaining was something that had been happening over time. Because obviously, the longer that this had been happening, the better the chance the husband might feel fed up enough to take some action. Generally speaking though, it’s not all that common for someone to file for divorce at the first sign of conflict or after the first sign of withholding affection. I’m not saying that it is impossible. I’m just saying that it’s not all that common.

Don’t Wait To Address This:  Since you don’t know what he is thinking, it makes sense to address this right now, while he hasn’t yet taken any action. I know that it is sometimes tempting to think that you don’t want to rock the boat and so you just don’t say anything in the hopes that the situation will get better on its own. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, when you do nothing, things actually get worse.  I believe that it’s better to try to have open and honest communication about this and to try to address it rather than to run the risk that doing nothing will mean that it only gets worse and your husband potentially thinks that you don’t care enough or aren’t observant enough to see what is right in front of you.

So, you might want to start by bringing this to his attention. You don’t always get the exact results that you want with this technique, but it is certainly a good place to start. You might want to try saying something like: “honey, do you have a minute so that I can talk to you about something? I can’t help but noticing that for the last couple of weeks, you haven’t been very affectionate to me. I suppose that it is possible that you are preoccupied with something important at work or something else that needs your attention. But I also think that it’s possible that this change corresponded with my buying items at the mall when you felt that we should limit our spending. I’m very sorry about that and I’d like to apologize again for it. I understand why we need to limit our spending and I am committed to doing that. If you feel that we need to discuss this more, I’m perfectly willing to do that also. But I don’t want for our marriage to become an issue for us to overcome like our finances are. I know that we are under stress because of our finances and I want to work with you to make things better. Is that OK with you?”

Demonstrate What You Yourself Want To See: Hopefully, having this frank conversation will open the door to him showing you more affection because he sees that you are genuinely remorseful and don’t plan to do the same thing twice. But, if he’s a little slow to warm up, another thing that you can try is to try to break the awkwardness by being the one to break the ice. Show him the behavior that you yourself are looking for. In other words, if you want for him to be affectionate to you, start by being affectionate to him. Reach out and hold his hand. Rub his back. Reach out to him and he may respond by eventually reaching out to you. And when he does, you want to give him liberal praise and positive feedback so that he will be motivated to keep doing it.

Don’t Automatically Think Of Divorce: But to answer the question posed, I don’t think withholding affection means that a spouse wants a divorce or even a separation. But, it can mean that he is angry or dissatisfied. It most definitely could mean that he is frustrated because he’s worried that the situation isn’t going to change. But if you show him that you are sincere about doing what you have said, and you ease the tension by restoring some of the affection your self, then it could be a mistake to assume that he wants a divorce. That’s a very big jump from dissatisfaction and divorce, especially if you take action before this happens.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t address my husband’s frustration when it first surfaced.  I just hoped that things would work out without taking any action.  This almost cost me my marriage because we separated.  But once I got serious about saving my marriage, things changed for the better.  If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin