Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are beyond frustrated that their husband is moping around the house and putting his unhappiness on full display. Often, he seems unwilling to do anything about this and the wives often wonder why he would be willing to be so unhappy rather than attempt to change things or even to get a separation or divorce.

I heard from a wife who said: “a couple of months ago, my husband told me that he was unhappy with me and the marriage. I asked him what he wanted to do about this and his response was ‘what is there to do about it?’ Last night, I was nosing around on his Facebook account and I saw that he was catching up with an old buddy and saying that marriage sure isn’t what he thought and that it’s all very disappointing. My question is why doesn’t he do something about it? Why doesn’t he just divorce me then? Is it because he doesn’t want to give me any money in the event of a divorce? I’m losing my patience with a man who won’t take responsibility for his own happiness. What can I do?” I’ll offer some suggestions in the following article.

The Various And Valid Reasons An Unhappy Man Won’t Initially Pursue A Divorce:

There are many reasons that a man will initially stay in a marriage when he’s unhappy. Sometimes, he is hoping that things improve. Other times, he doesn’t want to bow out too quickly before he has made an attempt to change or to improve things. Still another possibility is that he believes that marriage is forever, even when it is not perfect. And yes, some men will let their wallets make the decisions for them, especially if they fear that divorce is going to be incredibly costly financially.

But regardless of his reasoning, you get to decide how you are going to react to this and where you want to go from here. Because unhappiness can always be changed with the right plan and follow through.

Why It’s Better To Focus On Improving Your Marriage So That You Are Both Happier Rather Than Dwelling On Why He Stays:

Believe me when I say that I do understand your confusion and your frustration as to why he’s hanging around when he’s clearly unhappy. But sometimes, the fact that he hasn’t left is more important than why he stays put, especially if you want to save your marriage. If deep down you truly don’t want him to leave, then you are better off placing your focus on improving the happiness level in your marriage (for both of you) than spending a lot of time analyzing his behavior, which might not be rational anyway.

Improving your marriage is something over which you have a good deal of control. But, you can’t necessarily change his thought process. And debating it or demanding answers isn’t likely to help your situation. That’s why I advocate controlling what you can. And you can start by taking inventory and figuring out what it would take to make both of you more content in your marriage.

Cultivating Your Own Happiness:

It’s not uncommon for the sullen and unhappy husband to close down. He often won’t talk about why he feels this way or what you could do to improve things for him. You may have to think back to things he has said or done. You may have to rewind your memory to look for clues. Of course, you can always try to ask him what you could do to make him more content with the marriage and you can stress that you can’t help him if he won’t open up.

I do dialog with a lot of husbands about this topic on my blog. And I can tell you that when they start talking about vague unhappiness, they are often lamenting a lack of excitement, variety, and intimacy in your marriage. Often, they want more of your attention, more of your time, and more of your affection. They want to feel as if they are important enough to you that you will make them a priority. Many feel pressured in their marriages and they don’t feel that there is anything positive on the other side in order to balance this out.

So if you have no idea where or how to start, a good place to begin is always going to be trying to cultivate a sense of playfulness and adventure with your spouse. You want to have fun together so that he looks forward to being with you. Ultimately, you want for him to know that you are his safe haven and that his life will be better as soon as he comes home to you.

As you begin this process, you can watch closely for his responses. If he reacts favorably to something, do more of it. If he shows no response, make a note of that and try something else. I know that it may not feel like it, but his not leaving in spite of his unhappiness can actually be a positive thing. Because it gives you time to fix this before he eventually gets so tired of feeling unhappy that he does leave. Not many men are willing to be unhappy for a lifetime so it’s important that you do whatever is necessary to make sure that you are both content.

I wish I had listened and then acted when my own husband told me he was unhappy. I just hoped that things would get better. But, of course, they never did. And we eventually separated. I had a lot of catching up to do in order to get my husband back home. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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