Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common complaints that I hear from separated wives is that they are really struggling emotionally and their husband doesn’t seem to care. Often, the wife’s perception is that he isn’t at all concerned about her feelings. Understandably, this hurts deeply.

She might describe it this way: “my husband gave me the old ‘I need space and so I am pursuing a separation’ line. I had no choice but to watch as he packed his things and moved out. He tried to make it sound like it was just temporary and that, although he still loved me, he just needed to be a little selfish and think about his own thoughts and wishes. He promised he wasn’t going to date anyone else. He knew that I wasn’t happy about this, but I tried to hide how devastated I really was. I doubted having a wife who was crying would fit in well with his whole selfish vibe. The truth is though, that the longer the separation goes on, the more I struggle. It is hard to be the only one handling every aspect of taking care of the kids and the house. It is hard to answer people’s questions when they ask when he is coming back. It is hard to wonder if we will ever be the same again. So sometimes when my husband calls and asks how I’m doing, I can’t help but share these thoughts – at least a little bit. But every time I do, my husband so clearly shuts down. It so clearly turns him off. He finds an excuse to get off the phone immediately. It makes me angry. And hurt. I’m sorry that reality brings him down. I’m sorry that I’m not ecstatic to worry that my marriage might be falling apart. I feel that it’s very selfish that he doesn’t care. How do I deal with him when he doesn’t care at all about how I feel?”

I want you to know that what you are going through is not rare. It is not wrong. Your feelings are very common. And trying hard to entice him to show some concern is understandable. However, I want to offer some help in this article. And I think that the best way to help might be to try to help you understand why you are seeing this behavior and what might be an effective way to handle it.

His Behavior Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That He Doesn’t Care: People tend to shut down their emotions during a separation – especially if they are the one who initiated it. Facing the fact that you are causing your spouse pain makes you feel guilty. And this might be the last thing that you want if you’re trying to focus on yourself. That’s why, although he may care very deeply, he’s trying to push down those feelings so that he can focus on determining what he’s feeling and what he wants. He may worry that focusing on your feelings doesn’t allow him to get an honest read on his own feelings.

Understand Human Nature Under Stress: I know that right now, you might be a little angry at your husband and think that he’s particularly selfish. I understand why you’d feel this way. I felt the exact same way during my own separation, (but more on that later.)  It might help to look at this objectively and to understand that as human beings, sometimes when we are under stress, we focus more on ourselves than on others. We are more focused on caring about our own feelings than those of someone else.  When we’re trying to deal with our issues, sometimes, we do not want to hear about other people’s issues – at least right at that moment.

It is sometimes hard for women to understand this because we tend to be caregivers. It can be normal for us to care more for others than ourselves. But during times of stress, people do revert back to extreme self care and they will focus more on themselves, even if they know that it’s a little selfish.

What This Means In Terms Of Strategy: I am not going to tell you that it’s wrong to want your husband to care. But I am going to tell you that, in my opinion and experience, trying to get him home based on your hurt feelings is often an ineffective strategy. During this time, he is focused on what he is feeling and on what he truly wants. So when you come in and you try to insinuate that he should come home or cut the separation short because you’re struggling or because the separation is making you sad or causing distress, he is going to tend to shut you out and focus on his own feelings. He will zone out when you tell him about the latest problems at home.  But he will zone in when you ask him about how he’s doing.

If you have seen this “zoning out” happen repeatedly, then it’s my opinion that this can be an indication that it’s time to change strategies. Think about it this way. Since he’s focused on his own feelings and his own wishes, doesn’t it make sense to focus your strategy on that, at least right now? If only to get his attention? Since he doesn’t seem to be motivated by your feelings, then instead of continuing with forcing this on him, the better strategy might be to try to set it up so that his feelings and wishes are moving favorably to the marriage.

No, you can’t control what he feels or thinks. But you have a better chance of him thinking favorably if you try to focus on positive things and interactions. If every time he calls you, the focus is on sadness and struggles, then this may affect the outcome of those conversations. He may start to dread talking to you or even to avoid it. But if you can change that dynamic and make things more positive, then the conversations may become more frequent and he may show you more empathy – which is what you truly want.

I am not telling you that you should just accept that he doesn’t seem to care. But I am suggesting that he probably does care more than he’s showing and that sometimes, it’s best to take the focus off of that until the dynamic changes.

There were times during my own separation when I was sure that my husband cared more about strangers than he cared about me.  But the more I tried to force him to care, the less he did.  Once we reconciled, I learned that in fact he still cared very much, but my approach was turning him off.  You can learn more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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