By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are hoping to manipulate their husband’s feelings after he has left them or initiated a separation. They are hoping that they can make him miss or long for them. The hope is that he will regret leaving and will want to come home. The idea is to get him to see what he is missing so that he values it more.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me about three and a half weeks ago. I suspected that he was unhappy but I never thought that he would actually leave. My friends all say that he is crazy to leave me because frankly I am too good for him. I’m not sure if this is true, but I consider myself to be attractive and a good partner. Apparently this isn’t enough for him though. He occasionally calls me but so far he hasn’t asked to see me. I’ve thought about making these conversations count by attempting to make him jealous. I’ve also thought about taking another guy to the bar that I know he frequents. I fantasize about getting all dressed up and looking fabulous so that when I walk in, my husband’s mouth drops open and he sees just what he is missing. My mother says that this isn’t a great idea because it is just attention seeking behavior that is very obvious. She said if he doesn’t know what he’s missing now, there’s not much I can do to get him to realize this. Who is right?”
Actually, I think that both people were right in different ways. This is a very common idea during a separation. The wife usually wants to try various ways to make the husband regret leaving. No one can blame her for doing this. But, you have to be very careful about how you set out to accomplish this. Because if you go overboard, then you just end up looking desperate and manipulative. And instead of making him see what he’s missing so that he wants to come home, he actually feels relief that he’s gone.
Know That He Will Often Think Of You The Most Favorably When He Sees You In A Favorable Situation:
Men are often more perceptive than we give them credit for. They often aren’t dull enough to think that it’s only a coincidence that we show up at a place with another man at the exact same time that he just happens to be there. And even if it was coincidence, it’s probably not going to be your finest hour when your husband sees you carrying on with someone else, even when he is the one who has initiated the separation. Sure, it may make him jealous for the short term, but it only brings drama to an already volatile situation and it isn’t likely to make things so much better so that he wants to come home.
I dialog with a lot of men about this topic on my blog. And I find that they often actually see their wives favorably during a separation when she is engaging in positive behavior. They might see what they are missing when they hear that you have gone back to school, are seeing old friends, or that you have joined a gym. These are just various examples. You will have to search your own personality to see what sorts of behaviors would make the most sense for you. But the point that I am trying to make is that you will often have much more impact when it looks as if you are being genuine and are not trying too hard.
Mutual Friends Can Often Help You Accomplish This Task In A More Effective Way:
I know that you probably want to take control right now. But if you try to just happen to run into your husband or if you purposefully put on a display, your husband will sometimes have no doubt that the whole thing is staged for his benefit.
You will usually have a much bigger impact if your husband hears about your behavior through a neutral third party. This is most often accomplished by a mutual friend or family member. It’s better that you don’t directly ask someone to do this for you. Instead, you allow them to see the behavior that you want to get back to your husband. And you trust that the conversation will naturally flow that way.
If you don’t think that this is possible, then you can scatter some details into your conversations with your husband. This isn’t as ideal, but it’s still better than trying to act in an obvious and non genuine way in person. The key here is to act extremely casual and sincere. Wait for him to ask you how you are or what you have been doing before you volunteer a lot of information.
Then, speak briefly and let him be the one to ask questions. Don’t give too much away. Again, you want to sound upbeat and casual. Because your whole goal is to sound very sincere. You don’t want for him to think that you have any motive about what you are disclosing. Instead, you want it to appear that you are offering reassurance that you are coping as best as you can and that you are trying to focus on the positive.
So to answer the question posed, there are some decent ways to allow your husband to see what he is missing. Most of the time, the most effective way is to allow him to see you picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. You want him to know that you are still your best self. And, you will often have a much more positive impact if you don’t accomplish this in an obvious or negative way. You don’t want for him to feel a negative reaction. You want for him to think of you positively when he comes to this conclusion on his own.
I had to use this strategy in my own marriage during my own separation. At first, I handled this badly and it was obvious what I was doing. But once I began to incorporate third parties into my plan, I had much more success. In fact, eventually my husband began to pursue me. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin