By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are well aware that their husband is no longer all that committed or invested in their marriage. Sometimes, this is just an obvious truth that can be made by taking an honest look around. Other times, the husband begins talking about separating or about taking a break. Either way, the wife can be extremely motivated to find a way to get him to recommit to both her and the marriage.
I heard from a wife who said: “I know that my husband doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I know that our marriage is in real trouble. But I am very sure that I want to save our marriage. And I am willing to do whatever I have to do in order to make that happen. My husband, however, doesn’t feel the same way. He has started hinting about moving out or seeking a separation. When he says these things, I ask him to reconsider and I tell him that if he would just give me a chance, I could make our marriage work. But he just stares at me blankly or even rolls his eyes as if he has no faith that our marriage is even worth fighting for. What can I do to make my husband recommit to me and our marriage? Because if I can’t do this, I feel like my marriage is over.” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.
It’s More Effective (And Easier) To Get Him To Recommit When Things Are Going Well: I know that when your marriage is falling apart, this is the time when you feel the most desperate to get him to recommit to you. But, you should also know that this is the time when you have the least chance of success. In other words, the worse shape your marriage is in, the less of a chance you have that he is going to willingly and enthusiastically recommit, no matter what strategy or plan you use. The reason for this is that he really doesn’t have much of an incentive to believe that real change or improvement is even possible. You’re essentially asking him to take a leap of faith when he’s yet to see anything to tell him that it’s wise to do what you are asking of him.
However, if you can first show him some improvement, your chances for success greatly increase. Because once he sees that you can and will make good on your promises, it’s clear that he is no longer taking so large of a risk.
So what does this mean for you? It means that you are going to have a far greater chance of him being willing to recommit to you if you can improve your marriage first before you even ask this question. In short, you need to place your focus on improving your marriage and your interactions with your husband rather than pushing for a commitment before you give him any real incentive (other than promises) to do so.
I know that this may feel as if you are working backward. But try not to look at it this way. Instead, try to look at it like you are going with the strategy that is the most likely to work and to elicit his enthusiastic cooperation.
Know That It’s Better To Entice Him To Want To Recommit Than To Attempt To Force Or Trick Him Into It: Think about it for a second. If you push your husband relentlessly until you get him to very reluctantly agree to recommit, how excited do you think he is about this? Do you think his heart is really into it? Do you think he will give this everything that he has? Or do you think he’s only pacifying you in order to get you to stop dwelling on the topic?
But let’s look at it from another angle. What if you set it up so that your marriage improved to the point that he just naturally wanted to recommit to you because he finds himself more content and happy in the marriage? How and sincere cooperative would he be then? Obviously, one of the above scenarios gives you a much better chance to save your marriage for the long term.
Believe me when I say that I know how desperate and horrible you can feel when you know that your husband is slipping away from you. It’s completely understandable that you’d be willing to do anything to get him on board. But, it doesn’t make sense to look for a commitment that isn’t sincere or heart felt. So it’s in your best interest to place your focus more on making him want to recommit to your marriage instead of trying to bring this about by force born out of desperation.
I understand where you are right now. There was a time when I very desperately tried to get my husband to recommit to me. But I went about it in the wrong way and he just pulled away. We eventually separated and almost divorced, until I completely changed strategies and saved our marriage. If it helps you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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