By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are extremely depressed after their husband has left. Many just can not envision ever feeling happy or secure again. Common comments are something like: “last week, my husband packed his bags and walked out on me. So far, he is avoiding my calls. He ignores my texts. So I’m not able to talk to him and see what he is thinking or feeling. The harsh reality that he might not come back is starting to creep in and this is almost more than I can bear. I just can not ever see myself being happy without him. There is no other man for me. My mom and my friends have been trying to cheer me up and get me out of the house, but I have no interest in these things. I just don’t see myself being happy unless he is my life. My mom says that one day I will move on and I will be OK. I can’t ever envision this. How am I supposed to ever be happy again after he’s walked out on me?” I’ll try to address these concerns below.
Don’t Assume The Worst Case Scenario: This wife was assuming that because her husband had been silent for a week, she had lost him forever. This was jumping to the worst case scenario. And frankly, this can be a mistake. There are occasions when men cool off once they have some time to reflect and eventually come home to their wives ready to work things out. Sometimes, this process takes a while, but it is not uncommon. Men do sometimes come back after they walk out. I had no way of knowing if that was going to happen in this case. But I am mentioning this to let you know that you don’t always have to assume that his walking out means that you are never going to get him back. Sometimes, with a workable plan, a little luck, and some patience, you can get him back.
Understand That You Are More Than Your Relationships: I find that many wives in this situation feel completely lost at the thought of not being part of a married couple. Their identity and their own happiness is tied up in their marriage and in their husband. So when they fear that these things are going to be gone, then they equate this will the loss of their identity and their happiness. When you do this, you truly are selling yourself short. You are not the sum of your relationships. You are valuable and worthy all on your own.
Here’s something else to consider. Sometimes, when we become so afraid of losing something, we become desperate and this makes us appear needy and unattractive. I mention this because it’s important to understand that although it’s completely natural to worried and fearful right now, sometimes if you completely give into those emotions, you will make it so that your husband is reluctant to spend time with you or interact with you because your negative emotions bring about the negativity that he’s been trying to avoid all along.
The Vast Majority Of Wives In Similar Situations Will Tell You It Does Get Better: As you may have suspected, I’ve been through this myself. I did eventually get my husband back. But you know what? My situation did not improve until I made up my mind that I was going to dust myself off and do my best to begin to bring some happiness back into my life. This was certainly a struggle, but I knew how easy it would be for me to sink down into a depression that would do me no good and would make my husband less likely to come around. Also, I sometimes hear back from women who have reached out to me on my blog early in the process. Some do get their husbands back, but some do not for various reasons. Even those who don’t get their husbands back do eventually check in later and most are doing just fine. With time and perspective, many can look back and see that this whole thing was part of a process. This is true whether they saved their marriage or not.
The days following your husband walking out are filled with confusion, pain, and fear. In short, it is the worst of times and it can be difficult to imagine yourself happy again. But I promise you that happiness is possible, no matter what happens with your marriage. To me, it makes sense to begin to do the things that bring you happiness, even though you don’t know what tomorrow brings for your marriage. This will make day to day life easier for you and it often actually helps your marriage.
Fill your days with the people and things that lighten your load. Know that it could always be worse. Know that reaching out to others and offering help to someone else will often make you feel better right away. In short, doing those things that help you move forward are almost always the right way to go. There is no down side. Right now, it’s up to your to look out for your own best interest. You deserve to be happy, no matter what your circumstances. And frankly, circumstances can change. But your happiness should not be dependent upon them.
As I said, I was filled with unhappiness in the days after my husband left. But, after a while, this just got very old. I was tired of feeling so awful all of the time. So, I turned to family and friends and I started doing things that I knew would make me feel a little better. Frankly, once I started having a brighter outlook, my husband became interested in me again. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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