I heard from a wife who said: “my husband told me about four weeks ago that he wanted a divorce.  Since that time, he has been looking at apartments and he has consulted a couple of divorce attorneys.  It seems that he is totally following through.  At times when he seems to be in a good mood, I have approached him and begged him to change his mind.  We have a wonderful thing going.  We have built a life and a family.  I am scared of what a divorce will do to my children.  I think that my husband is moving too quickly.  We haven’t even tried to save our marriage yet.   But every time I mention him changing his mind, he stops me cold.  He tells me very directly that the divorce is going to happen and that there is nothing that I can do or say to change that.  Many of my friends tell me that he has made his point very clear and that I need to just accept it and give up.  My mother says that there is always a chance that he will change his mind eventually. Who is right? Is it even possible for him to change his mind about wanting a divorce?”

It really bugs me when well meaning friends feel so willing to make comments which could affect someone else’s life and their marriage.   In my own mind, this is very careless.  They can’t possible predict the future and what you really need is their support, not their dire predictions.  It’s my own experience that yes, it is totally possible for a husband to change his mind about wanting a divorce.  This happened in my own life and I have seen it happen for many other couples.  Of course, it certainly doesn’t happen in every case. And it often doesn’t happen through luck or accident.  Many times, you need not only determination, you need a plan.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons That A Man Might Change His Mind About The Divorce:  The various reasons that men end up changing their minds are too many to list here.  But some common reasons are that he calms down a bit and realizes what a huge (and final) step a divorce really is.  Sometimes, he sees some changes in your or in the way that you are interact with one another that he reads as positive or encouraging. Sometimes, he feels as if perhaps he has moved too quickly and perhaps the marriage deserves a second chance.  Other times, he’s thinking about the family or about his love for you which still remains.

Sometimes, it is possible for you to get really lucky so that he comes to these realizations on his own.   But I think that it’s pretty risky to leave this to chance.  It’s my opinion that it’s best to come up with a plan and to set it up that you make it more likely that he will change his mind.  I will talk about how to do that below.

Know That He Will Often Change His Mind When He Thinks That Your Situation Or Your Relationship Has Changed:  Here is something that you really need to understand. He isn’t all that likely to change his mind if he doesn’t believe that the situation has also changed.  Typically, he needs to change his mind about something important – you, your marriage, your problems or your situation – in order for him to change his mind about the divorce.

Often, if you look at the situation objectively, you can see what needs to change.  Once this happens, you will need to decide how to change it in the most sincere and genuine way.  Because very often, your husband is going to automatically suspect that you are only making changes in order to get him to call off the divorce.  So, be very careful and deliberate about what you change.  Make sure that you chose something that you can genuinely change for the long term.  Because if you can’t, you might only get one chance at this.  If he thinks that you are just manipulating him, he is much less likely to give you another chance now or ever.

So to answer the question posed, I am living proof that husbands can and do change their mind about a divorce.  It happens.  But it doesn’t always happen automatically.  Sometimes, you need to give the situation a gentle little nudge to make things go your way.  I learned this lessen the hard way.  My playing games with my husband almost costs me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I came up with a genuine plan that I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

I certainly hoped that this wife would not give up.  I know from experience that you don’t always need your husband cooperation for the entire time that you are trying to save your marriage.   With a little skill and luck, you can often over come his doubts and eventually gain his cooperation and enthusiasm.   I will discuss this more below.

Nothing Says You Can’t Proceed Despite His Doubts:  I know that this can be difficult.  It can feel as if you shouldn’t go forward without his blessing or his enthusiasm.  But you actually can.  And moving forward on your own is often the best way for you to remove his doubts.  Try to remain as positive as you can.  Because if you project your own doubts, your husband is going to pick up on this and his doubts might increase.  You want to portray confidence.  And you want to show him that this process isn’t as difficult (or as impossible) as he might think.

Now admittedly, you are going to need his cooperation if you want to seek joint counseling.  But, nothing says that you can’t go alone at first.  And, nothing says that you don’t have the ability to identify the issues on your own and then start whittling away at that without him needing to even know what you are doing.  Because often, you already know what the major issues are.  And there is usually plenty that you can do to begin to address this on your own.  Sure, it is optimal if you work together.  But if working together isn’t possible in the beginning, that is no reason to give up or to not try.

Know That If You Can Show Him Some Painless Improvements, He Will Often Willingly Join You:  What is really unfortunate about this situation is that very often, the wife will become discouraged and will approach saving the marriage with dread.  Her apprehension will be obvious and the husband will think something like “see, I was right.  even she knows that it’s too little too late,” when this is the furthest thing from the truth.  The wife is only reacting to his doubts, not her own.  This is so unfortunate because if she had just moved forward with confidence anyway, she probably would have found him coming around eventually.

It is often easier to overcome your husband’s reservations than you might think.  You have to understand how his mind is probably working right now.  He likely doesn’t want to get his hopes up because often, you have already tried to make some changes and have failed.  That is why you have to be very deliberate about how you approach this.  You want to project confidence that not only will this not be overly difficult, but that it will work.  You don’t want for your husband to think that he is going to have to roll up his sleeves and go through a wasteful process that is emotionally draining.

Instead, you want to show him that right at this moment, you have an opportunity to set it up so that you restore the intimacy and the fun in your marriage so that you are both happy.  It is much easier to get him on board when he believes that the pay off is going to delight him and that getting from point a to point b isn’t going to be so difficult after all.  Frankly, you are the one who can show him this.  How you proceed right now can either confirm or change his reservations.

My husband had serious doubts about our ability to save our marriage.  In fact, he doubt was so great that he wouldn’t even agree to work with me.  But I didn’t let his reluctance stop me and I moved forward anyway.  If I’m being honest, it took him a long time to come around and join me.  But eventually, he did.  And we are happily married today. The key was finding the right plan and presentation, which made all the difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

I couldn’t tell this wife if her husband was going to change his mind. But I could tell her that this is a common issue, especially early in marriage or when the issue of children or security come up. And quite frankly, most wives react by trying to pull him in even tighter, but this is honestly the worst thing that you can do. Here’s why.

When He’s Already Scared By The Responsibility, Trying To Pull Him Closer Makes Him Feel More Trapped: It is just human nature to grab for something that we feel slipping away. When someone we love begins to pull away from us, then we want to hold on more tightly because we fear them leaving us. And this is normal and it’s also certainly understandable. But you need to know that clinging this way will bring about risk. Because when he feels you cling, that panic about responsibility will be even more pronounced and he may want to leave that much more. So, as much as it is natural for you to want to hold on more tightly, it you are hoping he changes his mind (or even comes back home if he’s already left,) then I believe that there’s a better strategy.

Give Him Enough Freedom To Alleviate His Claustrophobia And Allow Him The Room To Miss You: I know that this is probably a scary proposition right now, but sometimes the best thing that you can do is to appear to be his ally. If you can, try to give him more space at home so that he doesn’t need to move out. Offer to give him some room and distance. If you absolutely have to, offer to stay with friends for a little while to give him the time he needs. I know this doesn’t sound all that great, but it is often a much better choice than clinging so tightly that he pulls even further away from you. If you give him space so that he has no reason to leave, then often his feelings of claustrophobia will wane and the issue will sometimes resolve itself (or will at least be fixable.)

Examine Your Marriage For Any Possible Contributing Factors: I’m not saying that you are smothering your husband at all. Please don’t take it this way. But it can help to see if there is any reason why he might be overwhelmed. Some men feel overwhelmed regardless of how laid back their wife is or how healthy their marriage. But ask yourself if he has any legitimate reason to feel the way that he does.

Is it possible that he doesn’t have enough time with his own friends? It is possible that he feels solely responsible for your household finances? Or that he handles all of the household responsibilities? The reason that I ask this is because if any of these things are possible contributing factors to him wanting to leave, then these things should also be an easy fix. You could stress that you will share financial responsibility. You could take over some of the household chores. Or you could give him a little more freedom. Of course, this is only if these things are applicable. Some husbands feel overwhelmed regardless of how evenly things are split.

So to answer the question posed, although I can’t predict if this husband will change his mind, I do suspect that the wife could make this more likely by giving him some space and trying to evaluate to see if there were any improvements or adjustments that could be made in their marriage or their lifestyle. Because even if she were justified in arguing with him, a man who already feels overwhelmed isn’t likely to listen to reason.

I know this because I tried in vain to convince my husband that he was wrong before he moved out.  Frankly, this only meant he couldn’t get away fast enough.  I have a lot of ground to gain before I could save my marriage.  But I stumbled upon some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband told me this weekend that he intends to pursue a separation.  He said that he will begin looking for an apartment in a couple of weeks.  I admit that our marriage hasn’t been great lately, but I certainly don’t think that a separation is necessary. I think that my husband is making a big mistake.  What if he leaves, never comes back, and eventually files for divorce?  Then, he is just throwing away what we have and he is forever changing our children’s lives.  I don’t want my kids growing up in a single parent home.  And, deep down, I don’t know that my husband doesn’t want this either.  In fact, even if he no longer cares about me, I know that he cares about his children.  And I think that somewhere inside of him, he feels a little guilty about pursuing this.  Should I use this guilt to my advantage?  So I let him know how horribly this is going to affect our children so that he might feel so guilty that he calls off the separation?  I hate to resort to mind games in this way, but this is my children’s futures and my marriage that I’m talking about.  I’m starting to think that it is all fair game.”

I absolutely understood why this wife felt the need to use whatever resources she might have to change his mind.  When you want to save your marriage and are opposed to a separation, then him walking out that door can seem like your worst case scenario.  It can feel like your worst nightmare is actually coming true.  So you may well feel justified in using guilt to keep your family together.  But, I know first hand that relying upon negative emotions can actually backfire on you which can make things even worse.  I will explain why below.

Sometimes, He Resents The Guilt And Projects This Negative Feeling Onto You:  Frankly, it probably would not be very difficult for you to make your husband feel guilty about wanting a separation.  In fact, it’s probably a pretty sure bet that he already feels some guilt without your needing to say a single word. So, if pile onto his negative emotions and then state the obvious (that the separation is going to hurt and negatively affect the kids,) he’s likely to know that your motivation is to keep him home by any means necessary.  And human nature is just that he is going to want to push back against this.

Very few men will respond with something like: “you know, you really have a point.  I didn’t think of things that way.  So I’ll just push down my feelings and pretend to be happy when I’m not.”  Instead, they will probably think something like: “of course I know that this is hurting our children.  And I wouldn’t be pursuing it if I didn’t think it was absolutely necessary.  But I’m thinking some time apart might give us the distance needed to improve our situation which is ultimately in the best interest of our kids.  I love my kids just as much as she does.  And for her to insinuate otherwise is maddening.”

And when he feels this type of frustration, he is likely to leave even more quickly and remain away for that much longer simply to make the point that he will not allow you to manipulate him in this way or allow you to use your children in that way.  I know that this doesn’t seem fair because you are sincerely concerned about your children, but this is the way that he is likely to see it.

A Better Alternative Than Trying To Make Him Feel Guilt:  I believe that you can encourage for your husband to have some doubts without needing to resort to such manipulation.  I’m not asking you to pretend to feel something that you don’t.  In fact, it’s likely that he already knows that you don’t want the separation and are willing to do almost anything to stop it.  So, you really don’t need to do anything to restate the obvious.

Instead, it’s my experience that you are better off changing tactics (which will usually catch him a little bit off guard and will make him pause.)  I have found that it is better to remain calm and to let him know that although you don’t want for him to leave, you aren’t going to try to stop him if he sincerely believes that this is what he needs to do.  You want to appear supportive, but disappointed.  Often, this will feel much more genuine to him so he no longer feels the need to fight you or to keep his guard up.  And since you are being agreeable, he no longer has any reason to dig in his heals or to be stubborn.  Instead, it makes more sense for him to want to work with you than for him to work against you.

This is the strategy I used when I saved my own marriage.  I did try to use guilt in the beginning and this plan failed miserably.  But when I changed plans and became his ally rather than his adversary, things went much better.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

I felt that there were several issues at play here.  The wife was dealing with her wounded pride as well as trying to position herself in a place of strength rather than a place of weakness.   And having all of these issues swirling around in your head can distract you as to what is truly important.  Because to me, the most important piece of information in this entire puzzle was that the wife didn’t want a divorce.  So, she needed to realize that the fact that the husband had some hesitation and hadn’t yet filed was very important.  Because this hesitation gave her some wiggle room to save her marriage.

Nothing Says You Can’t Improve Your Marriage While He Is Evaluating If He Wants A Divorce:  The wife was under the mistaken impression that she just had to wait around while her husband was evaluating what he was going to do.  There was plenty that she could do in the meantime.  She could try to have an upbeat attitude and make a very pointed attempt to improve things in her marriage.   She mentioned that she and her husband had been fighting horribly within the last few months.  So one suggested course of action would be to try to identify the recurring problems and very  swiftly address them.  This is very important.  Because as your husband is making a decision about whether to file for divorce or not, he’s going to be looking around and evaluating the current state of your relationship.  If you’re continuing to fight, then this probably isn’t going to give him much incentive to try to save the marriage.

With this said, most husbands would see through any behavior that isn’t genuine.  What I mean by this is that if you’re just being agreeable to change his mind about the divorce, he will likely see what through this.  That’s why it’s important to identify genuine changes and improvements that you can easily pull off and can make very believable.

Proceed As If He’s Already Made The Right Decision:  I firmly believe that your confidence level is so important right now.  If you act as if he’s going to pick up and file for divorce any day now, then you make this possibility that much more likely.  He will follow and be influenced by your behavior.  So, instead of projecting anxiety and fear, try to project quiet confidence and a positive attitude.  Give off the vibe that you are confident that the two of you can and will turn this around if you work together.  Stay upbeat and light hearted so that he will want to be around you and work closely with you.  If you are so filled with dread and fear that you are negative and sarcastic, he is going to be much less likely to reach out to you and he’s going to be much more likely to decide to go ahead with the divorce even when he’s clearly stated that he has hesitation about this.

Understand What His Hesitation Really Means:  This is the last point that I will make.  As maddening as it is right now that he is so indecisive, this truly can be a blessing.  Many men make up their minds quickly and then file for divorce shortly after that.  His hesitation is a huge advantage.  It tells you that he still has some loyalty and investment in your marriage.  And, when you want to save your marriage also, this is vital.  So use the advantage that you have and use his hesitation to take the time that you need to address the issues in your marriage so that both of you are fulfilled enough that no one is thinking about a divorce.

Even the word divorce brought panic into my heart when my husband started broaching this subject.  Instead of seeing his hesitation as an advantage, I just focused on the uncertainly and my behaviors were fueled by fear.  I behaved so badly that my husband moved out and pursued a divorce.  I had a lot of ground to make up.  But eventually, I began to understand what was driving my husband and I was able to address it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

I actually hear from a lot of these husbands on my blog and I believe that I have a pretty good handle on their mindset.  So, in the following article, I will share with you what I believe that some men mean when they give you the old “I’m confused” excuse.

Sometimes, They Aren’t Confused At All.  They Are Just Trying To Ease Their Way Out Of The Marriage:  Before I get to the many legitimate reasons that men focus on their confusion when they leave their wives, I have to tell you that some men just use this as a convenient excuse.  Some men have already made up their minds to pursue a legal separation or a divorce long before they walk out the door.  And, for whatever reason,  he is holding off on making a very quick filing for divorce.  Instead,he somehow feels that it is better to sort of ease his way into it.  So moving out is his first step. And since he doesn’t want to tell you that his next step is likely going to be a separation or a divorce, he will go with the confusion excuse to buy himself a little time.  Now, having said that, not every man who uses this excuse ends up getting a divorce.  Some actually miss their wives, change their minds, and go back home.

He May Be Legitimately Confused About The Course Of Your Marriage Or What Is Necessary To Correct It:  Not all men are using this as an excuse.  Some are being quite sincere.  Some are torn about your marriage and just aren’t sure how to proceed.  And often, they feel as if taking some time to themselves is the best way to gain some clarity.  They will often tell you that it’s very hard to think about you or the marriage clearly when you are living together and interacting every day.

Many wives ask me which questions the husband is most likely to ponder while he is away.  In my opinion, they are these questions:

1. What are the biggest problems in my marriage?

2.  Are these problems deal breakers or can we work through them?

3.   If the problems can be worked through, what is it going to take to be successful?

4.  Considering the way that I feel about my wife and my marriage, is it going to be worth it to go through all the time or effort to try to save my marriage?

5.  Is my wife willing to work with me? and

6.  Would I be better off or happier remaining married or calling it quits?

These are just brief examples of common questions.  This is by no means an exhaustive list.  Your situation may offer a unique problem that makes up the bulk of your husband’s questions or confusion. But in general, he is trying to evaluate what he feels, what the problems are, if the problems are fixable, and if it is even worth it to try to fix them.  So what does all of this mean to you?

What To Take Away From All Of This:  What I’d like for you to take from this article is that the way that you interact with your husband is so important right now.  While he is trying to sort through these confused feelings, he is going to consider how you are getting along right now.  So, if the two of you are fighting or if you are very sarcastically asking him what on earth he has to be confused about, then this is going to weigh heavily on his thoughts in a negative way.  If you are invested in saving your marriage, this is probably the last thing that you want.  Instead, you want for him to think of you very favorably while he is away.

You have every right to be frustrated with him right now and to want answers, but if you lean on him too hard or speak too harshly, then he is going to want to avoid you.  And this is going to make it less likely that you can save your marriage.  Try very hard to be as agreeable and as cooperative as possible.  If you can swing it, make him believe that you really want for him to take this time to become clear in his own mind.  Because if he can see you as his ally, that is half the battle.

My husband gave me the “I’m confused” excuse and I didn’t handle it very well.  In fact, I handled it so poorly that we eventually separated.  However, I educated myself on what works and what doesn’t when you are trying to save your marriage.  And I came up with a successful plan that did help me  save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Make Sure That You Aren’t Using Guilt As A Weapon When You Discuss Your Children’s Well Being:  I firmly believe that the husband should know about what is happening with his children.  They are his kids too and any decent parent is going to be concerned.  The real key is to be careful about how you approach him.  You do not want for him to think that you are using guilt as a weapon because if he believes this, then he may not take your message seriously.  And this is a very serious message that he needs to fully understand.  So a suggested script might be something like: “I need to talk to you about some things that I’m noticing with the kids’ behavior.  You’re their father and I feel that you have a right to know.  I always want for us to be able to share information that relates to our children’s well being no matter what happens between us or what happens with our children.  So I want to share with you that they are really struggling.  They have physical stomach pains.  The oldest is fighting at school.  They are both crying themselves to sleep at night.  I believe that we should address this quickly before it gets worse.”

Notice that you are not suggesting that he change his mind.  You’re not even saying that the divorce is the problem that he caused.  Instead, you are merely suggesting that you address it, but you are leaving the solution open ended in the hopes that he will come to the right decision on his own.  Because if you push, he is very likely to think that you are only bringing it up to call off the divorce.  So it’s important that you play this very carefully.  Make sure that it is clear that your concern is for the kids and not meant only to get him to change his mind.

Understand That He Needs To Change His Mind About You Or The Marriage Before He Can Change His Mind About The Divorce:  People often try to use external things to get a man to change his mind about a divorce and sometimes these things even work for the short term.  But changes based on guilt or other negative feelings are not very likely to last. Sure, it may buy you a little time. But eventually, he is likely to pursue the divorce again if you don’t solve your problems.  And when he does, it is going to be very difficult to get him to change his mind a second or a third time.  You are better off working very hard to show him that it is safe to change his mind about your marriage because the marriage is changing and improving also.  Because once he does this, then he will no longer need to pursue a divorce.

So as much as I believe that he needs to know and understand how his children are hurting, don’t use this issue as a way to guilt him out of a divorce.  I completely agree with wanting to change his mind.  In fact, I changed my own husband’s mind.  But I didn’t do it with guilt (although I tried that and found that the strategy backfired.)  I did it with a sound strategy, patience, and hard work.  I’m not going to tell you that it’s easy.  But it is definitely possible.

I completely agree with you that it is your children’s best interest to avoid a divorce.  And a man who is a good parent will likely be concerned.  This might help to give you some access to him.  But don’t rely solely on the children to change his mind.  Instead, make real changes that he can see in believe in so that he wants to remain a family that is living under the same roof.

My husband and I didn’t have children at the time that our marriage was in real trouble so this issue didn’t come into play for us, but remaining a family was certainly a central issue.  I did not understand the principles of human nature and the necessity of turning to positive emotions to save my marriage when we separated.  Because of this, we almost divorced.  But once I educated myself, I was able to turn things around pretty quickly and save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

I heard from a wife who said: “a couple of years ago, I became very close with a male colleague. I didn’t cheat or anything, but looking back now, I can see that I replaced my husband emotionally with this other man because he seemed more available to me. After all, I saw him every day. As a result, my marriage greatly suffered. We have become almost like strangers and roommates. The other day, my husband told me he was considering walking out on our marriage because there just isn’t much left. This is the last thing that I want. I told my husband that I would give our marriage my full attention and that he would see that we could be happy again. He just sort of shrugged. I then asked him to commit to giving saving our marriage a real try. He said he couldn’t make that commitment and instead just wanted to wait and see what happened. What can I do now? Because I feel like if he won’t commit to saving our marriage, then that is good as saying it’s over.”

I understood what this wife was feeling. After all, I have gone through this too and just as this wife did, I attempted to get my husband to commit to saving the marriage. He wouldn’t. And I reacted quite badly and made things so much worse that we eventually separated. Eventually though, I was able to save my marriage (by myself) once I came up with a workable plan. That’s why I firmly believe that although having his commitment is nice and it makes things easier, you don’t necessarily need it. I’ll explain why below.

Why He Might Be Holding Out Before He Gives You Any Sort Of Commitment: Here’s the thing. In my experience and opinion, women are much more likely to commit to saving their marriage then men. The reason for this is that women have a lot more patience when things go wrong. Men often wait and observe. Women would rather take action. But, while men are waiting and observing, they are often becoming discouraged, which is why they would sometimes rather wait and see than to commit more time to saving the marriage when they have their doubts as to whether it will actually work.

I know that this may sound discouraging, but here’s the good news. If you show you that things can actually change, then his reservations may be overcome and you can save your marriage whether he makes a formal commitment or not. Another reason that men hesitate to commit to helping you save your marriage is because they worry about what, exactly, this is going to entail. Many are afraid you are going to have them sitting in a counselor’s office disclosing their deepest darkest secrets or exploring where they are an awful husband. The way to overcome this reservation is to just start saving your marriage in positive and painless ways so that he can see that his assumptions were essentially wrong or at least exaggerated.

Why You Don’t Need A Firm Commitment To Save The Marriage (Especially In The Beginning:) I know very few men who are going to put their heart and soul into saving their marriages in the way that a wife would. And I don’t mean that these husbands don’t love or isn’t committed to their wives or doesn’t want to save the marriage. I just mean that men aren’t nearly as in touch with their feelings. They are not nearly as good at identifying the problem. And they often aren’t nearly as decisive about fixing the problem.

So it’s almost a given that he’s not going to go all in at first, even if he truly does want to save your marriage. Most men will wait and see even if they are telling you that they are all for a reconciliation. So his having a reluctance to commit isn’t really as big of a deal as you might think. There is plenty that you can do to save your marriage on your own. You can approach this in a positive way. You can identify the problems. And you can begin to address them in painless ways. Once your husband sees that actual progress is being made and that the process isn’t painful, he just may want to save your marriage even if he doesn’t declare it out loud.

So to answer the question posed, if I were this wife, I would just proceed to try to save the marriage on my own. I wouldn’t pressure or guilt him. I wouldn’t add negative emotions into the mix. Instead, I would try to show him that the marriage could be saved instead of telling him. And I would make the process fun for him so that he would be a willing participant.

Of course, I am saying all of this with confidence now. This is what I did in the end to save my marriage, but it isn’t what I did in the beginning when I made many mistakes that almost cost me my marriage.  No, in the beginning, I made more mistakes than I care to admit.  But luckily, I was eventually able to clean up the mess.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I separated two weeks ago because this is what he wanted. We agreed that our primary goal was to take a little time to think and that we would have dinner together at least every Friday. I thought that it would be obvious how he was feeling and which way he was leaning, but it’s not. We do have dinner every Friday night but it is just filled with small talk. When I try to ask my husband what he’s thinking or feeling, he tells me that he still doesn’t know. He’s pleasant enough, but I can’t help feeling as if he’s shutting me out. How do I get him to open up about his feelings?”

I understand this wife’s situation because I have been in it myself. In fact, when I was in this situation, I handled this so badly that our separation deteriorated to the point that we were barely even speaking. I believe that there’s definitely a right and a wrong way to handle this. I’ll outline what I think is the right way in the following article.

Know That Sometimes, The More You Push Him To Discuss His Feelings, The Less Likely He Is To Do So: I understand wanting to know what he is thinking and feeling. You want some reassurance. You want to hear something that is going to offer you hope. But you need to understand that sometimes, the harder you push for him to open up, the more likely it is that he is going to close it down. Men have a hard enough time understanding and then sharing their feelings, but this process becomes even more difficult when he feels pressure and when he feels your disapproval because of his delay.

Why One Of The Best Things That You Can Do Is To Be Easy To Approach: I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s my opinion that the best tactic that you can take right now is to back off on the pressure and to instead try to ensure that you are very easy and pleasurable to approach. After all, you want for those Friday night dinners to continue and you want for them to be a good experience. In fact, you want for them to go so well that you know that you will leave that meeting in a much better position than you might have had when you went into it. You want to begin to rebuild your marriage during those dinners.

But, if your husband knows that, without fail, every Friday he is going to be grilled about how he feels and why it is taking him so long to decide on this, how much do you think he’s going to look forward to those dinners? Not very much, right? In fact, he may start to cancel them or to do away with them all together and this is going to make saving your marriage that much more difficult.

Have Confidence That His Actions Will Eventually Tell You What You Need To Know: If your asking about his feelings causes conflict and it’s best to back off on this, know that often, you can tell how he is feeling due to his actions. Often, you can tell how receptive he is to you by his body language and facial expressions. You can typically tell how much progress you are making by how he reacts to you when you are together and how much he initiates contact when you aren’t.

Know That He May Not Have Any Answers Yet: It’s so important to be patient, even though I know first hand how impossible that this may appear at the time. It can take a while for his feelings to be apparent to him or to register so strongly that he is ready to share them. He may be waiting until he is sure to share his feelings. And he may not be feeling much of anything quite yet. It’s normal for people (especially men) to feel a little numb or to feel as if they are kind of walking around in a fog in the early stages of the separation.

The good news is that his feelings will likely become more apparent to both of you, and if you are patient and easy to approach, then you make it more likely that he is going to be sharing positive feelings with you. I know that it is frustrating because waiting around in the dark is truly no fun, but pressuring him will likely just do more harm than good.

I know this first hand.  I pressured my husband so much during our separation that he eventually became so discouraged that he filed for divorce.  So my endless pushing actually hurt my marriage rather than helped.  It wasn’t until I took a new, much more laid back approach that I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Sometimes, Love Doesn’t Have As Much To Do With It As You Might Suspect: I would say that about 90 percent of the people who visit my blog believe that a divorce means that at least one of the spouses no longer loves the other. This isn’t the case. Very often, people file for divorce (or even go through with it and end their marriage) when they still love their spouse very much. But sometimes, they think that this same love just isn’t enough anymore.

He May See The Marriage As Something That Is Holding Him Back Or Making Him Unhappy: Clearly, I didn’t know this wife or her husband, so I couldn’t guess at specifics. But sometimes, there is a perception that no longer being married would give him some freedom or relieve some burden. I am not saying that this is at all true. I’m just saying that this is sometimes the perception. Some men seem to think that being married is keeping them from pursuing their dreams or is keeping them from being the man that they need to be. Another possibility is that the man thinks that the conflicts or the dynamics in the marriage are emotionally bringing him down in some way. Again, I can’t possibly know the situation, but you can take a close look at your marriage to see if any of these things apply to you.

Despite The Love, There Is A Deal Breaking Issue That He Just Can’t Get Past: Sometimes, there is an issue that keeps coming up again and again that doesn’t appear to be disappearing any time soon. Sometimes, this is things like monetary issues, sex, infidelity, or an inability to work through the couple’s differences. On my blog, it’s pretty clear to me that men seem to have a shorter patience span with deal breaking issues than women. This isn’t true in all marriages of course. But generally speaking, the husbands tend to be less willing to give an issue some time to work itself out, while the wives have much more patience.

He Has Some Romantic Notion Of Being Single: I feel that I have to mention this. I’ve noticed that some men (particularly when they get to be a certain age) tend to develop a sort of romantic or naive notion about being single. Some of them look around and see young, single coworkers or newly divorced older men, and they begin to believe that these single men really have it made. This isn’t usually the reality of the situation, of course. But this is what they sometimes believe. And they can actually think that as soon as they are single, they will suddenly be blissfully happy. Many are disappointed to find that this isn’t the case at all.

He May Not Really Want A Divorce. He May Just Want A Reaction: There is always the possibility that he doesn’t really want a divorce, but it does want a reaction. It’s not uncommon for men to have this talk in the hopes that the wife will suddenly make concessions or suddenly be very agreeable in the marriage. This isn’t playing fair, but some men will try this.

Take Heart In The Fact That The Love Is Still There And No Divorce Has Been Filed For Or Finalized: I know that this situation hurts. I know that this is a scary time. But not all couples in this situation still have the love. And the love is your ace in the hole. It what means that there is still a lot of hope.

Quite frankly, many couples change their mind about the divorce. Many people file for divorce (or say they intend to file for divorce) and are eventually still very happily married. So don’t assume that his talk means you are most definitely going to get a divorce. Nothing says this is true. He does love you and, with a very workable plan, I believe that some women in this situation will be able to save their marriage and avoid a divorce because this was true for me.

Despite the fact that my husband was insisting on a divorce, I did eventually save my marriage and we are very happily married today.  It took work, patience, and a very sound strategy, but I was able to turn things around.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com